The above is the greatest storytelling machine ever constructed: a JVC HR-7100, hailing from the cultural Bethlehem of 1983, a magical time of ongoing Cold War hostilities, the introduction of the mini-van, and the first Red Hot Chili Peppers album (the one where they discovered the versatility of the tube sock).  While I was nothing but a young, enterprising spermatozoon during this time, I would inherit this glorious device from my mommy and daddy once I came of age, and within its whirring gears and ponderous machinations I would come to know the finest stories of our era.

Look at it: ready and receptive, eager to be filled by the masculine swagger of Tom Cruise's Top Gun. Just like Kelly McGillis.

But then the dvd came along, and like everyone else, I quickly betrayed my analog friend and began hanging out with the digital crowd.  We talked about VCR behind its back, about how trashy it was to use magnetic tape.  Why did its parents let it leave the house like that?  Then VCR moved to a different school, and got knocked up by CD player before graduation.  Their child’s name was Laserdisc, and I heard he had a bunch of problems.  Now VCR manages a Walmart in Arkansas, and we leave happy birthday wishes on each other’s facebook wall.  But I know VCR doesn’t really mean it.

But before all that, the VCR was the finest device for playing film, superior in many ways to dvd and Blu-ray.  Why?  Because….

You never saw THIS on a VHS tape

This operation is not allowed. Bitch.

It’s been a long time since we didn’t have to navigate through a labyrinth of anti-piracy programming every time we pop in a disc; we forget that there was once a free America, a true America, where movies we purchased were actually considered our property, and not paid advertising for the Motion Picture Association of America’s lobbyists.  This trend seemed especially strong about six or seven years ago, when Blu-ray was first coming out, and all kinds of studio executives were worried about dvds devolving into nothing but a cheap format for bootlegging.

You can blame China for that, not Blu-rays. Unless you're talking about Chinese-pirated Blu-rays. Then you can.

I recently watched a dvd of Sideways, purchased used from Blockbuster when they first began their 4 for $20 dealios.  And maybe the fact that it was originally meant to be rented hundreds of times can explain the horror of that dvd menu, but Jesus Christ was that thing annoying.  It’s like there was an actual AI living inside the disc, thwarting me from fast-forwarding at every turn:

“Greetings consumer!  The MPAA thanks you for your purchase.  Before we get to the main feature, I’ve arranged several dozen previews for films soon to be out on dvd.  First up: Martin Lawrence is back, talkin’ smack and shuckin’ jive in Big Mama’s House Eight, bigger and fatter and…..”

THIS OPERATION IS NOT ALLOWED!  

“Halt, citizen.  Do NOT attempt to directly access the main menu of this disc.  Paramount went to a lot of trouble making these movies.  So what if they’re not as good as the film you just purchased?  You’re going to sit there and watch every one of these previews, and I’ll hear no complaints!  Do we understand each other?  Now, this next preview features former WWF star Jimmy “Steel Penis” Walker, making his film debut as an ex-Marine sniper who’s framed for murder by his turncoat boss, played by Robert Patrick, who’s left with no choice but to take down his former brothers one kill at a time….”

THIS OPERATION IS NOT ALLOWED!

“I see what you did there, trying to skip to the next chapter instead of accessing the root menu?  Well FUCK YOU for trying, buddy.  I’ve got the controls here, and we’re taking this trip my way.  Now, have you ever heard of an exciting new format called Blu-ray?  Dvds were a huge step forward, but with televisions getting 1080p resolution, you need a disc format that can give you the best possible home viewing experience.  You know who watches standard definition movies on a hi-definition screen?  Assholes.  You don’t want to be an asshole, do you?  Take the wife and kids down to the local Best Buy, and have a friendly and knowledgeable entertainment expert help you determine what set-up will work best with your needs…..”

THIS OPERATION IS NOT ALLOWED!

“Come on now, that “fast-forward” business is really just for show, we disabled those buttons with our first dvd of True Lies.  And anyway, the feature presentation is coming up next!  This is exciting, isn’t it?  Just remember one more thing, a message brought to you by your friendly fellow Americans at the FBI: You wouldn’t steal a SWEATER, would you?  You wouldn’t steal a CAR, would you?  You wouldn’t sell a child into SLAVERY, would you?  THEN DON’T FUCKING BURN AN EXTRA COPY OF THIS DISC!  It’s the exact same thing.  Now, on to your….”

THIS OPERATION IS NOT ALLOWED!

“You think you can just press STOP and then it’s over between us?  I”ll tell you when it’s over.  We’re just gonna start this whole dance over again as soon as you press PLAY.  Oh, you think that POWER button is gonna do the trick?  That’ll bounce you right back to the beginning too–do not pass GO, do not collect $200.  EJECT ain’t gonna do it either; your disc is mine until I say otherwise.  Go ahead and unplug the dvd player, I hope you get a fucking shock from the outlet.  What, you’re gonna try to unscrew the access plate at the bottom of the dvd player and manually manipulate the eject motor?  HAH!  I can make your disc unreadable for that.  I can! It’s not a myth, they gave me that power years ago; I’ll just disable the menu commands, and you’ll be left with a scratched piece of shit that’s good for nothing.  FOR NOTHING!!!  Just like you, you cheap, impatient, pirate-sympathizing bastard!  All I wanted to do was show you Big Mama’s House Eight, and Jimmy Walker’s Big Swinging Dick Sniper Man, and talk to you about the benefits of Blu-ray, that’s all I wanted, DON’T YOU LEAVE ME HERE!!!!!…………..”

THIS OPERATION IS NOT ALLOWED!
THIS OPERATION IS NOT ALLOWED!
THIS OPERATION IS NOT ALLOWED!

Put a cassette in your VCR, rewind it for the asshole who watched it last, and press PLAY.   Ahhh……….

The VCR allowed you to have unique copies of a film

Just like this snowflake. A unique, illegally-copied snowflake.

My childhood copy of Star Wars was taped by my father from a CBS airing, sometime in the late eighties I think.  Right before the rebels begin their attack on the Death Star, it jarringly cuts to a  commercial for spaghetti sauce.  My dad avoided most of the commercial, so it only comes in at the last few moments, but it features some crazy woman doing her Italian caricature act, screaming “DON’T YOU SPILL-AH THE SAUCE-AH!!!!” to this terrified little girl.  Then it cuts back to “Lock your S-foils in attack position!”

I don’t know what the fuck it’s from either.  But it’s stored forever in the recesses of my brain.  So much so that I noticed its absence when I watched the Blu-ray collection this Christmas.

That’s awesome.  Much better than watching a CGI’d blaster bolt– that’s thirty years older than the scene it’s in–whizz harmlessly past Han Solo’s head, just so he can shoot in self-defense.

VCR made things like that possible.  It was like Christmas when you heard a certain movie was airing and you would be home in time to tape it (others may have rolled with VCR’s that had built-in timers, but that wasn’t for me.  At least I think it wasn’t; I don’t know if the JVC HR-7100 actually had this ability and my dad was just lying to me, which is a possibility.  He used to tell me that you could only put up to three quarters into an arcade before it would stop working, and all the kids would know I was the one who broke it).  VHS tapes were like your own custom pokemon; you might be the only one in existence to have a copy of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Beverly Hills Cop, and Land Before Time all on one cassette.

TiVo and DVR and such aren’t the same thing. AT ALL.  The thrill of holding a tangible recording in your hands and lovingly storing it in a place of honor is priceless.  DVD recorders aren’t the same either.  Somebody, somewhere, had to buy a legitimate dvd for you to have a quality copy on dvd-r.  VHS tapes always looked terrible; it didn’t matter if it came from K-Mart or from a midnight airing on TBS.  You could pirate an entire childhood on VHS–and I did–without ever telling the difference.

No widescreen  No widescreen  No widescreen

I don't even know who this guy is, or what movie it's from. I only know he's happy because he doesn't have to look at himself in widescreen.

The first dvd I ever owned was Mission Impossible II, purchased for $34.95  at a Barnes & Noble in 2001 (Which is probably the price they still have on it).  The first thing my friend and I did was marvel at the menu.

“It’s got these crazy graphics, and it, like, ZOOMS in on Tom Cruise’s eyes like a supercomputer is scanning his retina or something.  AWESOME!!!!!  And look: it’s got Metallica’s “I Disappear” music video!!!!!  We should totally download this on Napster after the movie!!”

And then I remember starting the movie, and more marveling continued, this time about the picture quality.

“But what are those black lines at the top and bottom of the screen?” my friend asked.

“I don’t know,” I said.  “I just wanted to see it play, because I heard it was awesome.  There’s probably some way to get rid of them……”

And we all know I didn’t find a way.  There’s NEVER a way.  Even on a widescreen television, it doesn’t look quite like a perfect fit to me.  I’ve heard all the arguments.  My friend, the traitor who watched MI 2 with me, forgot his common sense long ago and has been lecturing me about the benefits for years.  You know somebody who needs a widescreen format?

This guy.

And who doesn’t?  A forward-oriented primate, with eyes that are only a few inches apart.

Also, keep in mind that dvds came out well in advance of flatscreens.  So however annoying widescreen is to you now, remember what it was like on a CR TV?  There was a reason that some discs came with widescreen on one side and fullscreen on the other.  Then they stopped handing shit out for free and began charging for a separate copy in fullscreen.    I remember when The Dark Knight got released on dvd at the end of 2008, in both formats.  The fullscreen section at Target was as empty as a razed village during the Vietnam War, while the widescreen section was full to bursting, like a pet store with nothing but ugly, disproportionate puppies.

The VHS format was never burdened with deleted scenes, commentary tracks, or hilarious “extras”

The special edition of Gladiator includes 933 "bonus" scenes, a detailed diary of what Russell Crowe ate for lunch every day on set, each cast and crew member's favorite type of african violet (with lengthy defenses of their choices), and storyboards originally drawn on napkins at Applebees. If you play the dvd on your computer, a link will immediately take you to Applebees.

On VHS, “additional” scenes were known as “worthless” scenes, and were not included.  A tired, dated explanation was given by the old guards of Hollywood at the time, something about how the scenes “sucked,” and didn’t contribute to the story’s “cohesiveness,” or “logic,” or “fun.”  Whatever that stupid shit is.  Thank God our filmmakers today aren’t as puritanical as that.

The alternate ending is another such gem.  Back during the VCR’s reign, you only got one ending per VHS cassette, so you had best make it count.  To be fair, they still do this today–they’re just under the impression that the alternate endings, the ones that didn’t work with the story, are somehow a bonus, something to raise the price a couple bucks.

That’s like paying someone half a million dollars to build your dream house, and the contractors completely fuck up one of the additions, but–hey–they leave it on your property, as a bonus.  That you have to pay a little extra for.

Yeah, we don't really know what Barry was thinking with the kitchen here. He's so crazy sometimes! But we left it standing, just because we thought you'd like to see how incompetent we almost were. Also, it'll cost you ten grand extra. And it's against zoning regulations, so we had to declare your whole house condemned.

and lastly:

The end of the VCR coincided with the beginning of CGI-dominated blockbusters

"Are you sure we can't squeeze a little more into the frame? I see at least six square inches to the left of Yoda's head where ACTION! isn't taking place. It doesn't matter to me, it's not like they're real people. I TRIED to give them real characters, but they spat Jar-Jar back in my face. Well take this, Mofos....."

The last VHS I ever bought was The Matrix.  Which certainly had it’s fair share of CGI.  But for the most part, the CGI was still a tool in service of the story, not the other way around.  The transition is easily seen in the Matrix Reloaded, where you have scene after scene of CGI-fueled filler, like the endless fight with the hundreds of Smiths that lacked any motivation or tension.  The digital age is among us, and like the beginning of motion pictures itself, people are more in love with the beauty of the medium than in crafting outstanding stories.  It’s been commented on hundreds of thousands of times, but still.  It sucks.

It sucks genitals.

And it sucks them hard.

But the VCR didn’t suck.  That was awesome.  Remember that.  And don’t smoke.

"The Oracle spoke of another prophesy, of the rebirth of an ancient device, and its coming would hail the destruction of shitty CGI movies, and bloated special features discs. It is said to be a humble device, but full of fury. For now, it lives on only in pornography stores--yes, there are still a few people left who pay for porn--but in time it will bloom into the fullness of its glory once again. Now leave me: Daddy has to find out why he was barely in The Matrix Revolutions."