And in Awful Television News: The Virgin Diairies

Everyone has guilty pleasures, and sometimes one of mine is watching awful, brain cell-bashing television. Judge not lest you own up to your closet boy band obsession (I’m looking at you, Leia). Sunday, Christmas came early to horrible people like me everywhere in the form of the Virgin Diaries.

In the great TLC tradition of rounding up the most awkward and strange people on the planet and exploiting them for my entertainment, Virgin Diaries joins the ranks in the modern-day freak show that is reality television. I would like to point out that I’ve been to an old-timey freak show, and the performers there seem way more empowered by my stapling a dollar bill to their chests than any of the virgins on VD (I think I’m trying to make some point about the decline of our society, but I’m most likely just bragging about my sick staple-gun skills).

Dude made like 50 bucks in a half hour. It's a living.

Anyway, the show follows several virgins in their late twenties and thirties (although one chick is one of those “born-again” cheaters). This obviously serious documentary focuses on less on the emotional struggles of these virgins and more on their all-consuming desire to get laid. Cringe worthy moments include a virgin-triple-mini-golf date (I understand that they’re virgins, but 30 year old bitches should not be group dating on a standard third grade class trip), a 35 year-old’s mother earnestly recommending a prostitute, and the winner of winners: a couple’s first kiss AT THEIR WEDDING.

If you watched that, I’m sorry. I really am. I promise you this, the groom proved to be way more freaked out by his wife’s tongue than I was. I think my favorite part of the show was the subtle camera work that should win the producers at TLC their own particular circle in hell. While the virgins were bearing their souls, the camera would drift and focus on his or her twitching hand or shifty expression. Clearly the virgin’s constant fidgeting was caused by their virgin-cancer spreading to their central nervous system(instead of something impossible like being filmed for national television). Brava TLC.

All in all, the Virgin diaries was a damn entertaining hour, though I have zero desire for this to be picked up for a full season. For some crazy reason I’d rather watch shows like Boardwalk Empire and the Walking Dead during that Sunday night time-slot, even if they don’t give me that special I-just-ran-head-first-into-a-brick-wall feeling. It ain’t called The Learning Channel for nothing, folks.

Stay tuned for the next TLC groundbreaking special: Geek Love on Dec 18th, which documents the speed-dating event at NYCC. I’ll be definitely be watching because A) I like when shows insult me directly, B) I want to see if I’ll be able to find myself in the background, C) Walking Dead is on hiatus so it’s not like I (or you, let’s be honest) have anything else to do before the Kardashians comes on (shut-up, I’ll watch what I like).