Keynote Speech at the 2012 Fake Geek Girl Convention

Ladies! Ladies! Can I have your attention, please? And yes, the gentlemen we’re conspiring with, if you could please cease your conversations for the moment.

Thank you.  Now, as many of you know, 2012 has been a mixed year for the Fake Geek Girl agenda.  We have reached new highs but with some significant losses.  All in all, the State of the Fake Geek Girl is LULZ, TOTES A NERD (ARE ANY BOYS WATCHING, DO THEY LOOK IMPRESSED?).

Now, this past year we have continued to infiltrate major events such as San Diego Comic Con.  By forcing series such as Twilight on the con, we have successfully given girls a reason to attend, which has in turn helped our recruiting efforts.  While it may feel like a stretch to believe that devotion to a series about vampires and werewolves fighting over a human girl is in anyway the same as two telepathic women in skin tight outfits fighting over a guy who has to wear a visor for the rest of his life, we have managed to make it work.

On that note, I should salute those of you who have helped with our recruiting efforts.  Remember, make sure you stress to these girls that you don’t need to know anything about the source material, far from it.  We encourage you not to know anything about the source material as that may help you drift dangerously close to REAL Geek Girl, and that’s just icky.

But that’s not really a significant source of fear for us, honestly.  And remember, a bit of dabbling is necessary, just make sure you continue to choose Farmville over Fallout, never claim to know who wrote or drew a particular issue or series and refer to Captain America as “Chris Evans.”

Now, on to our losses.  Much of the downside to this year has been in security and privacy leaks.  By which I mean: they are on to us.

I don’t know who leaked our official dress code information to College Humor, but let me tell you, we will find you and we will destroy you.  The whole point is to infiltrate and attract attention WITHOUT being recognized as Fake Geek Girls.  But thanks to what we can only assume is a traitor in our midst, we will have to make some changes in our policies.

First of all: we are suspending fake glasses as our official secret recognition thingie.  The High Council will convene in order to discuss new options.  And before you ask, we have already decided against buttons that read “I’m a Fake Geek Girl, Ask Me How!”  It has been vetoed and no, we are not going to explain why to you AGAIN.

We have also reached a difficult situations: our weakness has been discovered.  Some mighty male warriors have discovered that if we are asked nerd questions that we cannot answer, we are stripped of our powers and must retreat to recharge.  Once again, the High Council is attempting to solve this problem in a way that won’t force any of you to compromise and learn something about the comic, game or other media that you are representing.

Speaking of which, we’d like to give special recognition to the Cosplay Contingent.  While the men have found our weakness, we have long known theirs.

Boobs.

So, ladies, let us move forward.  Let us march on, until every server, every local comic shop, every con is under our flag.  Until we have defeated those men who protect those places from our feminine sexual influence.

And then, like the Bacchae of old, we will swarm, rend the men limb from limb and suck the marrow from their bones.

The best part: marrow has practically NO carbs in it, so you can totally pig out.

–Ashly is a very real fake geek girl, you can follow her on Twitter @newageamazon