The Avengers.  What else do I need to say?

Well for starters, “Go see it” comes to mind.  I would normally be all like, “Want to know if it is good or bad?  Well hit the jump to find out.”.  But really.  Just go see it.

Hit the jump if you would like to read a SPOILER FREE review of The Avengers.  Also hit the jump if you are awesome ;)

So yadda, yadda, yadda comic books.  I like comic books, but I am no pro.  I work with a bunch of pro’s.  Whenever I dare open my mouth to share an opinion about comic books during our group chats I am quickly hushed like the inept little child I am.  That said, this movie is cool.  It’s probably gonna be really cool if you are a huge fan of the comics too.  Just saying.

I usually don’t recommend 3-D movies, but I do recommend this movie in 3-D.  Why?  Because it was cool looking, won’t make you motion sick, and made you feel like you were part of the experience rather than distracting from it.  Also, before the title of the movie even starts you, the viewer, are treated to an epic introduction.  Where I found a certain villain a bit underwhelming in Thor, this time around he was pretty badass.

The Avengers doesn’t waste much time giving you back story that you already know.  And if you don’t know it you can just ask 90% of the people around you.  I’m sure they would be happy to tell you to, “Shut the fuck up.  But really?  Gamma radiation, Super serum, Money/arrogance/brains, and a Norse god.”  BAM! You now know their back stories.

The action starts early on in the movie and never lets up.  Never do you have to listen to an overly whiny speech on victory.  Never do you have to spend 10 minutes watching two love interests cook bacon together.  And most importantly, never does your ass feel sore watching The Avengers.  Your ass is too busy trying to watch the movie too.

So I think Scarlett Johansson is really hot, smart, and classy.  What?  You don’t?  Well fuck you.  But she brought more to the table than sex appeal as the Black Widow.  Out of all the actors, she probably did the most physical roles in the movie (considering most of the avengers are at least 50% CG).  She was cool, smart, and kicked some major ass.

So what about the rest of the Avengers?  The ones without boobs.

Well for starters….

HULK SMASH!!!!

MOTHERFUCKIN’ HULK SMASHES THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING IN THIS MOVIE!!!!

Not only does Hulk redeem himself from one horrible movie and then a “Meh” movie, but he pretty much cemented himself as an original gangsta’.  Mark Ruffalo was the perfect, and I stress perfect, role for Bruce Banner.  He fits the team so well and compliments the other Avengers.  Partially due to Whedon’s script and direction, but partially because Mark Ruffalo is a damn fine actor.  Go watch Zodiac.

Hulk also manages to be really funny and he got the best line in the entire movie.  What that line is, is something you must experience for yourself.  He stole the entire show in my opinion.  So yeah…. Hulk rules.

Next up on the list of badass Avengers is Hawkeye.  Jeremy Renner.

“Who?“, some of you less versed in comic books might ask?  Well he shoots arrows.  I know, right?  Sounds lame.  It isn’t.

Hawkeye does for arrows what Clint Eastwood did for the magnum.  Hawkeye makes it look like he could tie his shoes with a bow and arrow.  He could make you coffee with a bow and arrow.  I bet he could fucking crochet you a pair of mittens that say, “Hawkeye for president 2012“, just out of the fondness of his heart and just with a bow and arrow.

The Avengers movie could have simply been Hulk and Hawkeye and I would have loved it.  Nuff’ said.

Shall I crochet you a sweater vest?

So what about Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor?

…..

WHAT ABOUT CAPTAIN AMERICA, IRON MAN AND THORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR?!

Shut up.  I get it.  They are cool.  Captain America does some cool stuff and is all like, “Yay, my conscious is made of Disney princesses and my face was chiselled by angels.”  He does that role very well.  Add in the fact he actually is a competent leader and you get everything your little Captain America heart desires.  What really gets a highlight is Captain Americas shield.  They show off how effective it is time and time again throughout the Avengers.  Captain America with his shield is a whole different beast than regular Cap.

I’m even wearing my special edition Captain America glasses as I type this.  Oh?  You want a pair too.  So sorry.  Limited release only. =)

Iron Man is great, as usual, but if you have seen Iron Man 1 and 2, Sherlock Holmes 1 and 2, then you already know his game.  Sure he acts more like the leader of the Avengers than Captain America, but who is really paying attention when Robert Downey Jr is being thrown out of windows and performing acts of badassery unmatched by Tyler Durden himself.

I don’t think Tony Stark ever actually gets scratched throughout the whole movie.  His suit does, but Stark himself?  Nah. I had heard a negative comment that Iron Man was the one character who was never in danger of being hurt, but… come on… the Iron Man movies are Marvel’s cash cow babies right now.  They will coddle and nurse Iron Man through anything.  Still…. he’s cool and does plenty of cool stuff, so enjoy.

Now Thor….  I like Norse mythology, but Thor is kinda meh.  Chris Hemsworth only uses one tone of voice as Thor, and even though it’s simply the nature of the character, you can tell he is the rookie actor in the field with a group of veterans.  Thor is never in any danger of anything.  I think Loki jabs him with a paper clip once?  Is that a spoiler?  Well, sucks for you… Loki pokes Thor with a paper clip and Thor is all like, “Nay, brother! How darest thou poketh me witheth a clip of steel!!  Let us fly home for drinks and love, despite me banishing you a couple of months ago!!“.  STILL THOUGH, he manages to do some cool shit.  He does the cool hammer-spinny thing.  I guess for style points and momentum?  Looks cool, nonetheless. He also is all, “Thunder! THUNDER!  THUNDERCATS HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!“.  I shit you not (Truth not guaranteed).

They have a few really awesome chunks of dialogue together

So basically the first chunk of the movie is, “Yo.  I’m Nick Fury and all you bitches work for me“, and the second chunk of the movie is, “Nu-uh!  We don’t work for nobody except ourselves and we don’t WANNA be friends.  Ha!“, and the third chunk of the movie is, “Oh fuck!  Forget what we said!!  We are now best buddies, time for ZOMGWTFBBQ-fights-of-epicness.”  And that third act is a doozy.  It is a nonstop thrill ride in the midst of a nonstop thrill ride.  A roller coaster in the middle of skydiving.  Jet skiing in the middle of an orgy.  You get the picture.

I hope I have kept this spoiler free enough for you.  And if I haven’t, send me an e-mail at koala@ihogeek.com

I give The Avengers a 9.5 out of 10 for being 100 buckets of fun and awesomeness poured into a giant milkshake of win.  

Maybe if Thor wasn’t so boring and actually had agreed to join the Avengers It would have been perfect (seriously… he never says he is joining the team).  Oh yeah… A deeper story would be nice too, but I can’t complain with what was delivered.  Alright, go see it.  Shoo!

I’m aiming straight for your heart, fanboys.