Four Couples Doomed By Joss Whedon

It is possible that, today, you are single.  It is possible that you are single and you are sick and tired of seeing hearts and flowers and naked babies with bows and arrows.  It is possible that you are single and you are sick and tired of this holiday existing largely to sap people of money and convince you that you are a worthless lump of human flesh if you don’t have someone to love.

But folks, it could be worse.

You could be in love.

In very, very true, real love.

In something being written by Joss Whedon.

In case you need a reminder of that fact, here are some memorable moments that Joss Whedon provided to teach us that love is doomed and the world is awful.

BUFFY AND ANGEL

Buffy herself put it all into perspective in the series finale when she poses this question to her vampire ex-boyfriend: “What was the highlight of our relationship? When you broke up with me or when I killed you?”

It was the human girl/vampire boy trope BEFORE it became all cool and mainstream and “he’s not abusive he’s just protective and YOU JUST HATE TRUE LOVE!”  And in this case, things did not work out so well.  A short list of things that doomed their romance:

• Buffy is a Slayer, Angel is a vampire or “slayee”
• Angel once lost his soul and tried to kill Buffy and end the world
• Buffy sent Angel to hell to save the world
• Angel broke up with Buffy “for her own good”
• Buffy couldn’t deal with Angel being jealous of her new guy, Riley Finn, who didn’t deserve her anyway
• Buffy: The Vampire Slayer moved to UPN while Angel: The Series stayed on The WB so GOODBYE CROSSOVERS.
• Comic spoiler: after Buffy and Angel fucked to create a new world, Angel got possessed by that world (I think) and killed Giles.  I mean, the Giles killing is the important part, please don’t ask me to explain the rest of the end of the Season 8 comics, please.  I can’t.

The bright side: Buffy got to give her awesome “cookie dough” explanation in the final episode of Buffy, which I think we need to re-enforce these days.

ZOE AND WASH

The most adorable married couple in the ‘verse, Zoe and Hoban Washburne traveled as part ofthe crew of the Serenity.  She was a veteran soldier with great aim, he was a spaceship pilot who played with plastic dinosaurs, together they fought crime.  Or committed crime.  Whatever was called for that day.

They were happily married!  When offered the choice between saving her husband and her captain, Zoe without hesitation saved Wash!  Wash gushed about being married to a warrior woman!  And the other million things throughout that once season of Firefly that made them awesome.

And then Joss Whedon killed Wash off in Serenity.  Mid-sentence.  He was a leaf on the wind, watch HOW HE DIES.

TOPHER AND BENNETT

Hey, guess what science nerds?  You’re almost going to get together!

And then one of you gets shot in the head!

WHEDON’D!

KITTY PRYDE AND PIOTR RASPUTIN

Joss Whedon trolled the comics world when he took over writing duties for Astonishing X-Men.  He led people on to think he was resurrecting the recently killed-off-yes-AGAIN Jean Grey.  Instead, he brought back Colossus, who quickly rekindled his romance with Kitty Pryde.  And I mean, seriously rekindled in the “Kitty phases through the bed and floor naked at one point” sense.

(EDIT: I have seen at least one request for a link to the panels depicting this phasing incident.  Here you go.)

Wait, what’s THIS?  Joss Whedon bringing someone back from the dead to put them INTO a relationship?  Too good to be true?

Uh-huh.

Because in his final story arc, Unstoppable, Joss Whedon wrote Kitty Pryde saving the Earth by using her powers to phase a giant alien bullet right through the planet.  And because of the properties of the alien metal, Kitty ended up fusing herself into the interior of the bullet.

Oh, she’s not technically dead, but she’s FUSED INSIDE AN ALIEN BULLET THAT CANNOT BE STOPPED.

So, remember: sometimes being single isn’t such a bad thing.  Sometimes, being single can SAVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE.