My 5 Worst Movies of 2012

1) The Expendables 2

This movie is so bad that it’s frightening.  The thing that makes it worse is that a lot of people loved it.  How far will we go just to make the same Chuck Norris jokes we’ve been making for ten years? Any semblance of a movie that existed in the first Expendables turned into once-famous stars choking on each others dicks and swallowing dialogue so bad that it leaves the realm of “cheesy” and enters the category of “Birdemic”.

2) Battleship

A movie about splosions n’ stuff.  Some dancing hamster robots, and… I don’t know.  It had some very charming moments that all culminated in millions of dollars worth of mediocrity.

3) Chernobyl Diaries

The biggest let down in horror for me personally in a long time.  The perfect example of the commercials having ALL of the good parts.  The movie was just a mess otherwise, with the most forgettable of casts, a story that took great potential and said, “Fuck it”, and…. just don’t see it, kay?

4) The Bourne Legacy

Honestly, I left this movie feeling pretty good about it, although a bit “meh”.  After several months the movie has greatly depreciated in value, partially after re-watching the old ones.  It just didn’t cut it.  Partially due to the terrible editing bestowed upon this movie, but mainly due to the feeling that Aaron Cross would lose a fight with Jason Bourne in about 13 seconds.  Aaron Cross never crossed the line into “bona-fide badass” territory and the movie suffers for it.

5) The Expendables 2

Like the Expendables 2, I also know how to run a joke into the ground with the grace of aging steroid freaks.  I felt it necessary to reiterate my hate for this movie.  Not only is it bad, but it’s one of only three movies that have made me feel like I was literally getting dumber from watching it.  No exaggeration.  I am serious.  When Jean-Claude Van Damme ends up being the best actor in a movie you should know you fucked up big time.