Quick prologue: A few weeks ago in our review of fic, we basically proved how fanfiction was taking over the world. Friends, I’ll admit that this new world order got me thinking. How loud do fan artists and writers need to tout their whovian relevance before their work is taken seriously? No idea, my thoughts answered, but as a fan of fans I’ve decided to used this space and my unchecked power to feature some of the most creative and accomplished fan projects that have the potential to elevate the cultures of fan communities out of the depths of the interwebs.
Our first feature has been earned ten fold by fan writer Kimberlite8 and her fully illustrated A Song of Ice and Fire fic , Running with the Hare and Hunting with the Hound. Kimberlite8 crafted her 200 page story in collaboration with several probably criminally talented artists which she lavishes praises on below. The novella is of a scale in talent, creativity, and production that I’ve never seen before in the community and I’m really happy to share our interview along with some selected pieces of artwork to dazzle you. Oh, and Kimberlite8 really likes bunnies.
Warning: some NSFW images and spoilers through the latest season of the show and A Feast For Crows.
Q:How would you introduce your story to new readers?
It is a fanfiction focusing on the romantic pairing of Sansa Stark and Sandor Clegane (in fandom parlance “Sansan”) from George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire. The plot takes place around a time soon after A Feast for Crows and concerns Sansa having a coming-of-age dream about an encounter between herself and Sandor Clegane. It was prompted by this passage from AFFC which I interpreted as a dream Sansa has of Sandor, of which its erotic nature she is only dimly aware:
And she dreamed of her wedding night too, of Tyrion’s eyes devouring her as she undressed. Only then he was bigger than Tyrion had any right to be, and when he climbed into the bed his face was scarred only on one side. “I’ll have a song from you,” he rasped, and Sansa woke and found the old blind dog beside her once again.
It is unabashedly pornographic but also interweaves a character study of Sandor as well as the theme of Sansa’s sexual and moral fruition. Readers have called it intellectual pornography. The concept was inspired by Alan Moore & Melinda Gebbie’s Lost Girls.
Q: Can you discuss the collaborative process? How did you reach out to the artists?
All of them have Deviant Art accounts so I was able to view their gallery and contact them via that website. There were four that I worked with a great deal.
Alicia de Andres was the first one I approached. She must be one of the earliest Sansan artists. George R.R. Martin has her fan art on his website. I admired her ability to depict motion and emotion with an economy of detail.
DubuGomdori is an ASOIAF fan artist. I became an admirer after seeing an illustration of Lyanna and Rhaegar she drew. Her work is so breathtaking in its attention to detail. Since working on my project, she has illustrated the “Histories and Lore of Westeros” DVD extra section for the Season 3 Game of Thrones DVD.
Jian Guo aka Breathing2004 is a commercial artist based in China. He’s done spectacular fan art for The Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit fandom. His work is highly stylized and has a stained glass quality. I admire the way he captures allegory, how he combines many narrative threads in a single illustration. His art is really worth a thousand words and then some.
JDarnell illustrates fan art from manga as well as creates her own illustrations of Lolita fashion. For the cover, I knew I wanted it drawn in the manga/art nouveau style of the painter Audrey Kawasaki, who is quite famous in the fine art world and obviously out of the reach of any financial patronage I could muster. I’ve long been captivated by the dreamy, erotically charged style of Kawasaki’s girls. I purposely searched for an artist that could replicate that same feel and I was very fortunate to find JDarnell.
In terms of the collaboration, I conceptualized most of the art save maybe two pieces. So what you see are my ideas, the artists’ charm and craftsmanship. I started with a real life basis for what I thought Sansa and Sandor should look like – it’s important that the characters faces had consistency through various visual styles. I storyboarded the compositions and then sent them to the artist whose strengths best suited my composition. It was a challenging process that called upon me to whittle down a lot of inchoate images in my mind’s eye to the core of what I was trying to express visually and then attempting to communicate that to someone when I don’t have the training to speak in the language of an artist.
Q: Have you seen large scale fan-works before? Did any inspire you to produce Running With the Hare and Hunting with the Hound?
Tumblr’s been a great boon to fandom in that it encourages the intermingling of prose and visuals (often in the form of photo-manipulations) to create a more immersive storytelling experience. I think that platform has trained many fans to visualize stories.That being said, I haven’t seen any large scale fan-works.
My inspirations were from the commercial market. I loved the illustrated novella Dracula, drawn by Anne Yvonne Gilbert. It intertwines text and illustrations on the same page in a cohesive, visually arresting manner. I knew after I purchased that book that I this was what I wanted to achieve – not a graphic novel, not a comic, but a picture book for adults.
My intellectual inspiration was Alan Moore & Melinda Gebbie’s Lost Girls. Moore & Gebbie are adamant that their work was a porn comic. Yet it is undeniably imaginative, ferociously smart, and produced some very beautiful artwork. It inspired my fanwork’s intellectuality, the use of multiple visual styles and the focus on artwork that was erotic and psychedelic.
Q: For future and current fan-artists, can you talk a little bit about how you hosted and marketed the complete book as well as some reception from the ASOIAF fan-community?
This fanwork took me 18 months to complete and a significant part of its frustrations was that I had to develop my own toolkit without any guidance from prior fan works or other people.
I started off with a story I had already written a first draft of; I think this is important as one should have the architecture of the story completed so one doesn’t become stymied by narrative indecision. The second draft of the story and the illustrations were all constructed in Microsoft Publisher which has the ability to operate as a text editor as well as an limited page design editor. One needs a page editor that allows for the layering of text and illustrations on top of one another. I think most design professionals would laugh at MS Publisher (the industry standard is Adobe In Design) but MS Publisher is intuitive to use if you’ve been trained in MS Office products like Word.
For image editing, I used the free desktop imaging program Fotor (its important to download the desktop version as the online version doesn’t save the image at a high enough resolution for a mazagine). This allowed me to apply photo filters and color adjust the artwork. The artwork was the raw component, I still had to crop and manipulate them for various purposes (the cover, the table of contents, etc) or to establish a certain mood. I used various pieces over and over and image editing allowed me to keep the same illustration fresh.
For typography, I used fonts that were available for free from dafont.com. Clipart that was used in the typography was purchased from Dover Pictura.
For hosting, this was unexpectedly challenging. I conceptualized this fanwork as if it was a real book – double facing pages, illustrations running across two pages – before I had fully researched how to host it. Technology isn’t setup for double facing pages even though I think there is a huge need for it given the number of published children’s books and graphic novels. I got around this limitation by publishing the work as a pdf flipbook for desktops and as an Issuu emagazine for tablet and mobile devices. MS Publisher allows conversion of its files to pdf. Using Adobe Acrobat Pro, I could turn this pdf into a flipbook by initializing the view. Using Issuu, I could upload the pdf as an emagazine that can read on any device, provided one has internet access (which admittedly is a considerable drawback). The Issuu platform is great – the visuals look glossy, the page turning mechanism is elegant and hosting is completely free. I also published a small run of hardback and paperback copy of the project for myself and my collaborators using Blurb.com’s self publishing pdf-to-print services. Knowing what I know now, I would advise against using double facing pages for future fan artists as it limits the means of distribution. Most offline pdf readers, including Amazon’s Kindle, do not have the functionally to support it.
The reception has been of universal praise. Even my artist collaborators were impressed with the end result despite their familiarity with the project. One comment I keep hearing again and again is in regards to the professionalism of the work. I’ve gotten requests to purchase the fanwork in book form but I’ve declined due to my qualms regarding the monetization of fanworks. However, I am really proud of that I could create something that people are enthusiastic about and that matches what is available commercially.
Q: What about Sansa, Sandor, and their relationship inspired you to create this intricate and introspective character study?
The complementary opposites nature of their personalities. Sansa’s an idealist, Sandor’s a nihilist. They both examine the conventions of their narrow society from different viewpoints, either rejecting them or ennobling them. There’s a complex attraction there that is masterfully developed by GRRM, especially as it doesn’t rely on the verbal sparring thats so prevalent in a lot of romcoms movies. In typical fantasy, the romantic pairing would be Sandor/Arya, like and like, Han and Leia, the mercenary and the feisty princess. GRRM avoids that cliche, and its a breath of fresh air. The protection fetish that is at the heart of their sexual desire for one another is so much more combustible.
That being said, the romantic pairing is problematic. I reject the notion that Sandor Clegane is a good man, a true knight (Martin has created the chivalric ideal in Brienne – he falls short of her). I don’t think those who dislike Sansa necessarily suffer from misogyny, internalized or not.
Their attraction to each other is not boring and I enjoy exploring harsh truths rather than idealizing the pairing. I don’t endorse it as if they were real people.
Q: You explore the duality of Sandor in your story but the ages of Sansa. Can you talk about her changes through out your story?
The duality of Sandor is already implicit in canon. Various people – especially the Stark girls – notice his duality and waffle between calling him the Hound versus Sandor Clegane. He can be kind and protective towards Sansa – he saved her from the mob during the bread riots, he tried to deflect Joffrey’s wrath. But he’s also behaved abominably – he held a longsword to her neck, made frightening, sexually suggestive remarks, and of course that scene during the Battle of Blackwater. Sansa cleaves him in two (a word which I always loved as it means both one thing and its opposite, to join and to bring together). His infatuation with her causes him to question his identity and beliefs. I’ve chosen to make that process more apparent by splitting his personality into Sandor (good guy) and the Hound (not so good guy).
I’ve always been fascinated with coming-of-age stories and the theme of the assumption of adult morality. I think Sansa in particular was so sheltered and yes, foolish at the start of the A Game of Thrones. The aging of Sansa allowed me to explore the notion of fruition, both morally and sexually. I wanted to write about the sexuality at all the stages of a woman’s life: at its inception when desire isn’t so genital, after pregnancy when its frightening in its vulnerability, during old age when its comforting precisely because it is familiar.
Q: I think my favorite part of your story occurs when the Hound and Sandor have contrasting answers to Sansa’s probing questions. Can you talk a bit about your decision to split the character in to two?
There’s been a lot of analysis regarding what was Sandor’s intent when he came into Sansa’s bedroom during the Battle of Blackwater. That scene is so intense because he is on the cusp of his moral event horizon and you are not quite sure if he’ll leap. My personal opinion is that he cannot be sure of what he was capable of if Sansa hadn’t appealed to his drunken sentimentality. We tell a lot of stories about ourselves, often contradictory, regarding moments of shame or during acts of transgression. I regard Sandor as being particularly prone to that because I see him as a bad man who is burdened with a conscience. He’s at war with himself because he can’t kill the conscience nor can he give away to it when his profession and his upbringing demands that he act as an amoral pragmatist in order to survive.
Q: Hare and Hound, like lots of fanfiction, has a lot of sex/lemons/”smut” scenes (though I would argue that not one seems gratuitous), but only in your story could a person ever read a scene where Sansa skin-changes in to Sandor in order to explore the separate body of the Hound. Can you talk about the importance of this scene for both Sandor and Sansa?
I don’t shy away from the smut label. I wrote it for the hairy-palmed, onanistic ladies of the Sansan fandom. So very few forms of entertainment in our society treat women as the subject rather than the object of desire. I – and I’m sure I’m not atypical – seek out fanfiction because its a large, dynamic cultural landscape for the exploration of women’s sexual desire.
Stepping off the pulpit to address your other question… Martin has said that all the Stark children have warging abilities. Yet Sansa’s story in ASOIAF is firmly rooted in realpolitik. I do not believe that her arc in the novels is going to have any supernatural elements. I wanted to explore Sansa skinchanging as I think the ability is there but there will never been any catalyst for her to develop it since Lady died. I read a quote about fanfiction that I thought quite apt:
Every narrator is an unreliable narrator. Especially the ones who seem the most straightforward. Which means there are a wealth of stories not being told hiding right behind the story that is.
Which, I think, gives an inkling of the primary difference between original fic and fanfic: original fic is declarative, saying “here is the story, these are the important events and characters and aspects of the world,” while fanfic is exploratory (even when it’s got a cracking good plot).
Fanfic exists in the interstices, in the ellipses and the enjambment. Fanfiction exists in the moment before the wave function collapses.
I like to think the skinchanging is an enjambment that exists in canon that is ripe for fanfiction exploration with all the lemony goodness that fanfiction readers look for.
And finally!
Q: Care to share any of your predictions or theories in the upcoming novels?
Well R+L=J (that’s the theory that Leanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen are the real parents of Jon Snow) is a foregone conclusion. I think Dany is Azor Ahai reborn. I think Aegon is the son of Illyrio Mopatis and his wife Serra, who is descended from House Blackfyre. My favorite crackpot theory is that Ser Robert Strong has the head of Robb Stark beneath his helm.
I do think the series will ultimately be about an apocalyptic battle between mankind and the Others and the whole Game of Thrones aspect is a distracting sideshow.
I am working on another fan project, in collaboration with a professional graphic designer, ghostrelic. It is the creation of an ebook library of fanfiction of writers I admire as friends and as artists. I’m a bean counter professionally and fanfiction has been a wonderful outlet of creative energies that would otherwise lay dormant. Fanfiction has hit its moment of cultural zeitgeist. There are pro writers that have come from its ranks, there is a lot of ink written about it, Amazon has tried to find a mechanism to monetize it for the copyright holders and the fan artists themselves. I think we’ll see in the next few years a birth of fanworks that are artistic achievements on par with the very best of genre fiction. The tools are out there for anyone with the time and passion to create. Should anyone have any questions about the process or whatnot I’m more than happy to advise.
I’d like to Thank Kimberlite8 for her beautiful story and for being so kind to delve really deeply for my questions. Again, you can download her story here as well as contact her on her very active Tumblr account
If you’d like to nominate some piece of fan work to be featured recommend them in the comments or drop us a link on our facebook page.
Staff Writer
kaitlyn@sub-cultured.com
My name is Ashly and I have shipped non-canon pairings.
I’ve probably been doing it since before you were in fandom. I know I’ve been doing it since before talking about fandom was a thing you did without the safety of hiding behind a fake username. I’ve discussed “wouldn’t it be great/hot if…” scenarios and, yeah, let’s just go all out here, I’ve written fanfic involving couples who were never, ever, ever getting together. Ever.
I am here to prove to you that I have survived. And that, somehow, you will as well.
Shipping non-canon couples is fine. I wanna make sure you know that. If you wanted to see Kirk and Spock all over each other, that’s your call and I’m not gonna judge you. Though, to be fair, I did at one point pretty heavily judge anyone in the Final Fantasy X fandom who shipped Auron/Rikku because he is a) too old for her and b) DEAD, OKAY? SPOILER ALERT.
It’s not like something not actually coming true in the source media somehow invalidates what you’d like to see. When a creator puts something out there, they are at the whims of their audience, and a large portion of the fun of fanworks is exploring “what if” scenarios, so if you wondered what it would be like if Barbara Gordon and Dinah Lance were more than just friends, then FANWORKS ARE YOUR FRIEND. And there is likely someone out there who has had the same thought and will want to talk about it with you and compare notes and it can be so. damn. much. fun.
But for some reason that I will never quite understand, some people seem to feel that if their pairing isn’t approved in the source material, you have somehow managed to time travel into the future and take a huge shit on their grave.
The most infamous incident I can think of was while the Harry Potter series was still being released. Notably, it was when Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince came out.
So much happens in Half-Blood Prince. There was a lot to get emotional over and things that were sure to cause a ton of fan outrage. And do you know what I saw the most outrageous anger over?
Dumbledor’s death? Psh, no, old dude gets killed whatever.
Snape turning traitor? WHO CARES?
No. No, the most terrible thing JK Rowling did in Half-Blood Prince, according to a very vocal section of the internet, was this:
THAT’S RIGHT. HARRY/GINNY. ROWLING, YOU UTTER BITCH.
See, there was this expectation that Harry was going to end up with HERMIONE and Ginny…let’s just not go there regarding their opinions of Ginny.
So, why do I bring this up now? Because, I have to confess, I’ve been sucked into the whirlpool that is Teen Wolf. Why, you ask? Well…
…for the plot. Totally for the plot.
Anyway, the most popular pairing in Teen Wolf is that of Stiles Stilinski (human best friend of the lead character) and Derek Hale (mysterious failure of a werewolf). The pairing is commonly known as “Sterek.” For the record, in a world where Final Fantasy 8 fandom gave us the namesmush “Squinoa,” I cannot laugh at “Sterek” as much as I want to.
Anyway, as for the pairing, I don’t get it, but I’ve gotta give them this: it is very pretty.
Please remember, I told you: I watch it for the plot.
Anyway, recently there was word that, sadly, Sterek will NOT become canon on the show. And from the internet there was a moment of silence.
And then? FIRE.
Okay, okay, exaggerating, but seriously. I can see why there was a certain amount of hope that it COULD happen: Teen Wolf has been pretty cool about normalizing homosexuality on the show, in fact we’ve been promised that the openly gay character of Danny will be getting a werewolf boyfriend and some on-screen loving in Season 3. Besides that, the show has done things such as holding a slash-friendly fanfiction contest where the winner got to meet members of the cast and the creator and, well, stuff like this.
FOR. THE. PLOT.
I SWEAR.
OH GOD.
WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT?
Right, anyway. Sterek no happen.
Disappointment I can get. Especially in a case where you saw hope for it.
But the battle cry of STEREK EXISTS? Oh, folks.
Look, yes. Sterek exists and can continue to exist in fanart and fanfic and whatever else you wanna make. Obviously the cast and creator are COOL with it, in fact cast members may ship it (or they may be trolling, I don’t know, either way it is awesome). But it’s just NOT the direction the show is going.
That doesn’t mean you can’t still ship Sterek. You are TOTALLY allowed to. I’m sure most of the fandom would prefer you did (though there may be some people who would like to see a little more Stiles/Scott/Allison stuff. I mean, I assume so). But really, let’s all remember that it’s all in good fun, that life goes on, and we should pay attention to the important things.
Like the plot.
THE PLOT, DAMMIT.
- Ashly was a Sub Cultured contributing writer and, apparently, a creeper who is hoping you don’t kill her for saying any of this. She is glad to discuss the plot of Teen Wolf on her Twitter @newageamazon.
An unknown box, a terrible secret, and a foolish boy whose curiosity got the best of him.
Please enter the url to a YouTube video.Sooooooooooooo yeah, this totally happened.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy with the results. Tell me what you thought, and if you have any recommendations of terribly smutty fan-fiction for me to read be sure to send it my way. Please remember, terrible dialogue only makes it funnier, hehe.
To quickly catch you up to speed, I am powering through the 50 Shades series and hating every second of it. We are currently coming up on the end of 50 Shades Darker,
To recap, quite a bit has happened and yet still nothing has happened. There was the freak helicopter accident that stressed everyone out with three consecutive pages of, “Oh no! What could be happening?!” What else? Our heroine Anastasia Steele has been scared and also jealous of the cutegirl help being scared too. Oh, and Christian Grey miraculously appears, unharmed.
Oh Christian. We were all so worried about you and shall now shower you with affection. Cue Grey’s reaction of, What? People care about me? I never knew. You know, aside from you all being my family and always showering me with affection and love ALL THE TIME.
Ana totes agrees to marry Grey, he gets shmoopy about it all and 50 Shades of Grey ends with Ana’s crazy boss [ crazy as in, he tried to blackmail Ana, Grey fired him/got him beat up.] plotting an “I’ll get you next time Gadget”-esque revenge.
“Ugggh, ’twas only the sheer luck of it that saved your copter Grey, curses!!” Shakes drunken angry fist at the air.
Fast forward to 50 Shades Freed and our loving couple is gallivanting around Europe. Ana is getting to go everywhere and see everything she ever wanted in her young life. Oh yeah, and they got married. That happened. You want elaboration? She had pink and white roses in her bouquet. That was it. Oh yeah, and dress pooling at her feet. Guess what? He’s wearing a silver [or GREY] waistcoat.
Cut to: Yacht in the Mediterranean, off the coast of France. Fancy drinks, baubles that cost more than my car.
Hey, it’s a Honda and she is in good condition folks.
Sigh.
Ana, in a moment of defiance, decides to lay down and untie her bathing suit top. Oh no! Grey has specifically said he doesn’t want Ana exposing herself at all. So ha! Untie the top it is. Then fall asleep and roll over. Oops!
She flashes everyone! Oh no! Ana still isn’t used to the paparazzi and Grey [predictably] flips the BLEEP out.
Grey is roaring! Ana! I shall yell at you like a hussy! And Ana, thou shalt feel ashamed of thy nakedness!
Then again, predictably, they have naughty time on the boat because Ana hath done be so bad.
Voila.
She just had sex. On a Boat. Are you going for some kind of theme here Ana? Because I feel it coming on. Strong.
Next time, we finish this series for good. Are you ready? I’m ready. Onward to 50 Shades Freed, or, we’re finally at the finale!
Check out where this project began with our first read through of 50 Shades of Grey
Hello Lovelies,
In care you were unaware, I am making my way painfully through the 50 Shades series. Last I left you, I was nigh to the end of book two of the biggest collection of formulaic sex scenes laced with overly specific references to vast wealth.
But alas, in my last review, I forgot to mention The Butt Drawer.
I am so sorry, and if you will ever forgive me, well I shall be in your debt. Kind of.
So yes, The Butt Drawer.
Anastasia Steele wanders her way into the Playroom of Dull BDSM Sex .Really, the set up is there for all kinds of interesting freak-nasty, but [butt, ha] nothing more so scintillating happens than you might find at the very front counter of your local “Couples Love Aid” romance shop. A Fizzle and a Woop.
She’s “Oh My” -ing everything in there with Doe-like curiosity. Apparently she can’t figure out what the couch is in there for. And lo and behold, there is a chest of drawers. With… toys! Scandalous.
Oh My, whatever could these be?
“That’s a butt plug.”
“A butt plug? Is it for me?”
“Yes Ana.”
Then, voila, the curiouser and curiouser description of anal beads, we are treated to another round of Ana-esque questions, “Oh My”s, and the inevitable, “what are these? They go . . . DOWN THERE?”
Oh yes. OH MY. Wow. JEEZ. Holy Shit. Holy Cow. Oh My Gosh.
And other overused phrases as well.
“So is, this the Butt Drawer?”
“Yes Ana, this is the Butt Drawer. Do you like the Butt Drawer?”
“It’s not on the top of my Christmas Card list.”
You know, because we all remember to send holiday greetings to drawers of stuff meant for the butt.
What ruins this part of the book more than the awful back and forth is that you can just hear the “worldly air” of knowledge from Grey’s voice. Especially when he matter of factly explains anal beads. But ‘Oh Wait, There’s More!’
Next drawer down the line is the “Drawer O’ Good Vibrations.” Which Ana promptly slams shut.
Wait, what? Girl please. First of all, if you’ve never seen any of these things before, why are you freaking out? You didn’t freak out over The Butt Drawer, so what gives? I would think that you would at least peek a little. Jeez.
Behind drawer three is the clampy, pokey, spiky drawer. Again, stuff that you see before you go behind the red curtain at an adults playtime shop.
Scene:
*Ana looks at a pretty little loopy thing.*
“Oh my, what is this?”
“Why Ana that’s an [unsexy sounding Germanic word here] wheel. Which is described as a pastry cutter looking thing that feels amazing.“
Yawn.
We then continue on down the list of drawers and on to the nipple clamps. Oh My! A clamp on my pinky, just to see how that feels, holy cow, whadya know? A sensation unlike any other? And then another clamp that is described to look like a western wear string tie. Cool in theory, right? Apparently they are super pretty and such. Nice. After an at length description by Grey of said pretty tie thingys, Ana kills the mood. Again.
“How does he manage to make everything sound so erotic?”
ANA. FOR CRAP’S SAKE, THEY’RE NIPPLE CLAMPS.
WHAT IS NOT EROTIC ABOUT A NIPPLE CLAMP? THE WORD NIPPLE IS USED TO DESCRIBE EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE.
I’M SURE THAT HALF THE FOLKS READING THIS RIGHT NOW ARE GETTING A BIT RANDY THINKING ABOUT SOME FORM OF EXOTIC NIPPLE DO-HICKEY ON THEIR LOVER.
WTF ANA?
Ana, who for all intents and purposes devotes a lot of mental time to describing the daily life of her nipples, seems to think that such mundane, jewel-laden sex wear items as exotic nipple ties are somehow, erotic. You know, because they’re just a part of daily life. Hmm, well it’s time for coffee and my exquisitely jeweled nipple ties. Just another day at the office, s’pose I’ll wear the ones with rubies on them. Or maybe the jade ones with pearl inlay. Because they’re such a average part of a non-sexual aspect of my life.
Ana, you’re killing me.
Also, a teddy nightdress gets the treatment with explicitly described spaghetti straps. As opposed to a turtleneck nightie. Or crewneck. Or Henley.
And apparently all of Ana’s clothes automatically pool at her feet. There is a lot of pooling going on. I almost envy her. I always end up with lumpy piles on the ground that I will forget and trip over later. My bad.
P.S. At this point I’m skipping the sex scenes. We get it. He’s either entering slowly, or slamming into you. It’s always delightful/exquisite/torturous/amazing/earth shaking/or mind blowing.
Folks, if you will humor me, give “the Treatment” to some mundane things in your life. Or the reverse Treatment to something that is actually sexy.
Here’s an example for you:
As she sipped her orange juice, in a cold, cold glass pressed to her lips, she gazed at the rumpled carton waiting for her on the counter. The expiration date was last week. She shivered, whether it was from the cold glass rubbing at her teeth or if it was from the early onset sign of something more drastic to come later. Oh to suffer as such.
Everything below her bellybutton clenched and she thought, “Oh God, I should have gone to the grocery store this week. This juice, it could be so dangerous. But it is so good. I guess I’ll just take my chances.”
Belatedly, she considered the equally precarious situation with the milk.
Show us your best “Treatment” in the comments or send them to us on Twitter @SubCultured! Next time, we will finish 50 Shades Darker and move on to 50 Shades Freed. Oh my.
Back again, almost done with book two of exploding dark ecstasy, overly much clothing description and tedious inner monologue. 50 Shades Darker has gotten 50 shades duller. And again, for the Johnny-come-lately’s, this is a spoilerfest of spoils. And once again, deal with it.
I am really disliking this book. To the point that I took the time to match my socks rather than read the allotted 5 chapters I set out for myself one evening.
So, Ahem:
In this edition of “Ana really needs get some hobbies other than sex with this rich dude,” we come back from rich playboy land and are ensconced in the world drama with the ex. Ghost Girl, Christian’s ex, goes even more super cray-cray. As in, “Imma sneak into your house and wave a gun about the place” kind of crazy.
Instead of being a rational human being and realizing that Grey’s method of diffusing the situation is switching over to Dom status with his former Sub and MAKING her drop the gun, kneel on ground, and give up the power to kill the whole group, Ana freaks.
She gets outside with friend Ethan (her roomie’s hot brother. Who cares.) goes for some coffee (what the shit?) and panics because she thinks that, you know, THINGS like sex might be happening.
Hey Ana? Chill a bit, right?
Ok. Let’s go over this.
- You get saved by your man who only has to say the word.
- You get to leave room with crazy lady with gun.
- He stays, to ensure she doesn’t come after you.
- The man has proposed to you [I’ll get to that later].
Despite all of these things, all Ana can think about is what Christian might still see in her, what it is that she doesn’t have that crazy lady has. Which is probably just a closet full of sex driven crazy pants. And again, rather than be relieved that she is alive, she panics about whether or not her dude might be having sex with his ex. Who was just waving a gun at them.
Oh Ana, you don’t know what you do to me.
What Ana does to me is make me realize that I never, ever, ever, want to be THAT insecure. This whole book is about Ana and her insecurities. There is a little sex, sure. It is about the same, tearing this, unzipping those, entering that, gasping blah blah blah darkness. But ultimately, it ends up being about Ana being a super jealous loser who whines a lot and obsesses like a 13-year-old over Grey’s exes.
And, like a lame, she loses her mind while he fingers her in an elevator with other folks around. Kinky, maybe. Inconsiderate, yes.
Girl. Please.
She visits Christian’s therapist, who says she has made more progress than anyone has. He tells her all about why he likes brunettes. The Family loves her. Christian says, “Move in with me.” Everyone can see how in love they are [ew]. He tells her every other page how amazing she is, that she has changed his life, he’s never wanted anyone but her. He wants to marry her, after what, two months?
Also: Grey has an Oedipus complex. Whoa!!!! Yeah, totally saw that coming.
I would love to feign surprise, but that was coming about 50 miles off. Huh, millionaire sex-god doesn’t like to be touched and all his problems and sex stuff leads back to his childhood. With “the crack whore,” his mother. Please Mr. Grey, tell me more about those things that I never suspected from you. What’s that? The girls all kind of look like your mom? Oh really? That must be so hot for you.
Neither one of them has ever had a relationship. No, really.
If he could have his way, Ana, you wouldn’t work. You’d just live in the rich home he bought for you, make some babies and have sex whenever. And deal with his craptastic pick up lines. Ana, your relationship is based on the “most amazing sex in the world” and little else. And that’s fine for plenty of folks, but girl, you need some self esteem if you’re going to toss your whole life on the horse shoe game of some guy’s penis. Just saying.
Honey, you’d never had sex before. And that’s great that he’s attentive and daring. But please, really? He’s a big weirdo and you are super boring and easily controlled. Go read some Tom Hardy and drink a cup of tea while staring out a window.
No, Scratch that, I’m doing that. You can’t have it.
If you do, Oh Ana, I’ll “Oh jeez, WoW, holy cow, Oh Gosh, Ecstasy, release, Oh something something” your shit up. I’m warning you.
Next time on, I Can’t Believe I’m Still Reading This:
Ana’s Hen Party and Grey’s Stag-Do collide in glorious, amazing, coquettish oh god whatever. Just get pregnant already. Because what I’ve always wanted to read about in graphic detail is how morning sickness does not jive with sex in the breakfast nook.
Shit.
More to follow with part four – 50 Shades Darker, Or How to Make Actual Sex Acts Seem Mundane
Wanna know how this all started? Our first read through of 50 Shades of Grey