37% Match | 63% Enemy
IstariBlanco
Super Old, Male, Middle Earth
My self-summary:
I have many names including Saruman the White and Wise, Curunír, and more recently, Sharkey. Looking for a major hottie and majordomo to help build and run my empire. Ideologically open-minded is a plus, but servitude to myself and by extension the High Lord Sauron is an A-plus.
What I’m Doing With My Life:
I am real estate and industrial tycoon with beautiful riverside property along the Isen with access to the scenic trails of Fangorn Forrest. At one time I was a lover of nature and enjoyed attending Entmoot Con, but lately my interest have swayed more toward running real-time strategy games and gem and jewelry collecting.
I’m Really Good At:
I’m a people person and a leader. For centuries I was chair of my local wizard chapter before I parted ways with the organization to pursue my own personal projects. I still like to check in with old friends from time to time over the old palantir. Call me a hipster, but I’ll choose the ancient dark arts to stay in touch with pals over Facebook every time. I’ve also recently developed an interest in genetic engineering, particularly through the developments of hybrid species.
Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, and Food:
I’m a huge music fan. Top of the playlist right now:
My favorite character of all time is Fredo Corleone, but I’ve also been binge watching Vicious on the BBC.
The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit:
I won’t be playing second fiddle to Sauron for long! But more private, I’ve always secretly found the stink of Orc-Flesh rather enticing.
You Should Message Me If:
Due to some recent flooding in my area and some altercations with neighbors, I’m looking to make a big move West. I’m considering pulling a Trump by transforming my nose for business into political gold and running for a local office. If you’re located in or around the Shire, drop me a message!
What a catch! What other characters are you dying to make a love connection with? Check out our other profiles here!
25% Match | 75% Enemy
ScrHHEiekMothman_Kneel1996
70, Male?, Point Pleasant, WV
MY SELF SUMMARY:
SHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
(censored)
What am I doing with my life:
SHRIEKAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNYANG, SHREEEEEEEEMA, OMNAYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(tapping into phone lines, guessing games, destroying bridges)
I’m really good at:
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMYIEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEORCKAHA
SREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
NYAMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMUROAH SCRAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(tapping into phone lines, harassing horny teenagers in woods, guessing games, destroying bridges)
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:
SHREIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINAMAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(likes soft lips, rotary phones, sinks, Ordnance Works, Debra Messing, mothman digest, open windows, silos, porch lights, chapstick,
CSHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
(soft lips, rotary phones, open windows, porch lights, chapstick, Debra Messing)
0% Match | 0% Enemy
Oneiric_Dustlord7
3rd of the Endless, Changeable, The Dreaming
My Self-Summary:
I am Morpheus, Dream of the Endless and Lord L’Zoril. We have met. Perhaps when we did you named me Lord of Stories, The Sandman, Wesley Dodds or interim master of Hell. No matter. You have known me intimately, if only from a certain point of view. Welcome.
What I’m Doing With My Life:
I have many responsibilities and little time or interest in enumerating them to you. My realm is infinite and my service is endless.
Desire here.
You’ll have to excuse my brother, though I never will. Let me warn you, admirer, that he is stuffy, stupid, and thinks he knows everything, and there’s just something about him that gets on my nerves. But step forward, any being who thinks that they can distract the Lord of Naps from his work, and I shall make him want you.
I’m Really Good At:
An inane question. I am and do what I am. I am “good” at no more than is my responsibility.
Hi There! We most likely don’t know each other! I’m Death.
Nice of you to drop by my little brother’s profile (full disclosure: I made him make one). He just gets so wrapped up in work sometimes that it’s like he forgets that he’s a multi-aspected personification of unreality with real needs. He’s very well spoken, loves stories and travel, and is one of the most creative people that I’ve ever met after maybe my sister, Delirium. Plus, if you’re into that whole tall, dark, and brooding thing, you probably couldn’t find anyone more that type.
Oh, due to a few uh…sort of bad endings to some of his past relationships, don’t message if you’re a mortal from any galaxy, plane, or sentient form of matter. It just wouldn’t work out between you and Morpheus, even though I’m sure that you’re very nice. By the way, if you are mortal then I’ll be seeing you :)
Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, and Food:
All inspiration comes from The Dreaming, which is of course, myself. Therefore all art that is made or never made springs from my realm. How then could I select one from of many?
Though I do suppose I enjoy some of the work, both written and never to be written, of a dreamer whom I took great care to inspire called Neil Gaiman. Even if fully appreciating several of his more allusive works requires far too much time cross-referencing in Lucien’s Library.
The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit:
I…
You Should Message Me If:
Um yeah, It’s Death again. Morpheus needs a moment. He’s very in touch with him emotions, which is great if you’re looking for a really committed and deep relationship, don’t you think? So don’t let the downpour turn you off. He’s also got a castle!
Quite the catch is our Lord of Dreaming. Be warned, he’s not into long distance relationships, so if you’re not ready to move in he may just toss you in a cage in hell for just under 10,00o years…
What other characters are you dying to make a love connection with? We’ve already featured Thanos, Red Skull, and Ramsay Bolton.
Like the perfect wine and cheese, the strudel with le crème, or the beer with another beer, watching the right two movies back to back can bring out the finer, subtler qualities in both. That’s why I’ve assembled a list of my personal suggestions for possible double-feature nights. For the sake of variety (and because I like to challenge myself) I chose to avoid using direct sequels or deliver a double dose of a writer/director in the same pairing.
Get Down! Get Down Again! The Running Man (1987) / Total Recall (1990)
I avoided pairing movies with the same writers, directors, or lead actors…with this one exception, because I for a time was not sure which movie was which. Yeah, Arnold’s action movies are all chock full of one liners, explosions, “babes” of the day, and silly villains with sillier deaths, but these two both throw Schwarzenegger into man on the run situations so similar and satisfying it really is hard to know where one stops and the other begins.
Which to Watch First? The Running Man has some of the most groan worthy one-liners you will ever hear, like when Maria Conchita Alonso asks Arnold what happened to Buzzsaw, who was just previously bisected with a chain saw, Arnold replies “he had to split” and his fight with hockey-themed stalker named Sub-Zero is a standout. Total Recall, for all its 90’s tropes, is still a Paul Verhoven film and has more to it than the simple exterior suggests. The action matches the fun of Running Man and is guilty of its own terrible lines, but getting those laughs out of the way can help you appreciate the solid qualities in Total Recall. The ambiguity on reality, alone gives it points for giving its audience some thinking room. The Running Man
Even in the Future Nothing Works! – The Fifth Element (1997) / Serenity (2005)
These two are an obvious match. They’re both futuristic, space-based, sci-fi action movies with large, ineffective governments clashing with the little guy and except for only one having aliens, both Besson’s and Whedon’s future visions are very culturally diverse. The stories differ but the archetypes are familiar. I could see Korben and Mal getting a drink while Shepherd Book and Father Cornelius discussed scripture, and River and Leeloo finger-painted or beat up tough guys or did whatever two crazy super powered girls would do.
Which to Watch First? I recommend beginning The Fifth Element, and after all the colorful fun, ‘splosions and 90’s end credits music you can jump straight into Serenity’s dustier adventure through the not so shiny future. Elements of Serenity hit a bit harder as well, so best to save those for last. The Fifth Element
Huzzah for 80’s Fantasy! – The Dark Crystal (1982) / Legend (1985)
It is hard to think of many quality live actions fantasy films from the pre-CG era, but these two always to come to mind first. Unlike more memorable fantasy movies in recent history, both of these movies were original stores and not adaptations from source material. The Dark Crystal highlights Brian Froud’s notable creativity and we are lucky that Jim Henson was there to bring these creations to the screen, and amazingly do so practically. Legend uses a classic stable of fantasy creatures such as goblins, unicorns, witches, and Tim Curry but through the use of academy award worthy makeup and prosthetic effects that make them more than stock creatures.
Which to Watch First? Ironically Legend is the decidedly darker of the two movies, and I feel the opening music and narration of The Dark Crystal is a good gateway. Finishing with Legend’s theatrical ending and original closing song by “Tangerine Dream” is more satisfying that Crystal’s successful but strangely somber ending. The Dark Crystal
You’re not Claustrophobic, Are You? – Alien (1979) / The Descent (2005)
After watching these two back to back, you’ll probably want to roll around in a sunny field full of daisies, because anything darker or more confined will give you waking nightmares. While the subsequent films in the Alien franchise are all action heavy, our first introduction to Ripley and the Xenomorph is a tense, ominous, horror movie: seven crew members and a killer alien trapped on cavernous space ship where “no one can hear you scream.” The Descent is one of the best horror films released in the thousands and traps our leads in a literal cave full of hungry mutated humanoids. The jump scares are typical but predominantly very effective making this a fun one to watch with an audience, but the mental instability of lead Sarah and claustrophobic scenes of spelunking are the most riveting.
Which to Watch First? Starting with Alien will give you an intentionally slow crawl into this pairing, and more enjoyable character time before shit hits the fan. The melancholic ending will transition well to the jolting start of The Descent and again I will recommend the original UK ending, as it is unquestionably better and may even make you rethink the ending of Alien. Alien
Video Games and Real Life Had Twins! – Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010) / Wreck-it Ralph (2012)
These two love letters to video games and arcade nostalgia pair well because they are two answers to the same question. Scott Pilgrim starts off with an 8-bit Universal title and introduces video game elements into the real world of Toronto, and Ralph puts us a world of video games that functions just like real life (sort of). You’ll have to decide if you’d rather have life like a video game or a video game like life, but if The Sims start playing me I’m going to be worried.
Which to Watch First? Another case in which I will leave it to your taste. I would watch the family film first, and then the one made for grown-ups but they’re similar in tone, pace, and length to not make much difference. Though SP has better music. What you should actually watch first is “Raiders of the Lost Arcade” segment from “Futurama.”
Band On the Road – The Blues Brothers (1980) / O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)
Twenty years apart in the making, and over forty in the setting these two films are incredibly different stylistically, but both have a group of musical criminals (or criminally inclined musicians) on the quest for charity and redemption, evading the law and various other colorful enemies they meet along the way. Neither are traditional musicals, but both are driven by a vast array of diegetic performances evocative of the locales the bands go through. They have very different senses of humor, which is why you won’t find Animal House paired with Fargo on this list, but these two form a pair of fun musical episodic adventures.
Which to Watch First? Here I’m really going to say it comes down to taste. Blues Brothers is the more farcical comedy with an upbeat soundtrack and O Brother is a retelling of “The Odyssey” through the music of the Depression-era American South. I’d prefer starting with Blues Brothers, but that’s just me. Tie
Creature Features with Likeable Bait – Jaws (1975) / Lake Placid (1999)
I’m not a huge fan of the run of the mill giant thing wants to eat you type creature features, but Jaws is the oft imitated, never duplicated template that set the bar for the whole genre. One reason Jaws still holds up, while most others do not, is that the human characters and the creature feel like equals and do not overshadow the other. Of course the shark is the anti-hero of the movie, getting his own POV kills before we even meet our full cast but by the time Brody, Quint, and Hoop-ah! set out to get him we know we’re in for a fight. It’s like Rocky II. Lake Placid plays out more like Home Alone 2, if Kevin was played by Bill Pullman, Brendan Gleeson, Oliver Platt, and Bridget Fonda, and the burglars and hotel staff were a giant alligator. And Betty White is the pigeon lady. That cast alone elevates a surprisingly clever script of what I think is an underappreciated, solid creature feature.
Which to Watch First? It’ll be interesting either way, but seeing Jaws begin so many clichés for its genre and then seeing the next generation’s homage garners more appreciation for the tropes than rehashing them because they ought to. You also don’t want to go backwards from the impressive animatronic and CG alligator to the barely functional Bruce. Jaws
The Black and White of Neo Noir – Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005) / Brick (2006)
Tonally these movies could not be more different, but they have their roots in similar pulp, noir, detective material and are both revolve around a murder mystery. They are also both products of a sole writer/director on the project, and I find movies like that tend make more of an impression; in this case KKBB and Brick show how differently Shane Black and Rian Johnson can interpret similar source material, while pulling fantastic performances from Robert Downey, Jr. and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Which to Watch First? Brick. No question that while Brick is a heavy, gritty movie, you will rather take a walk through those grimy streets first to wind up at a Hollywood party with gay Val Kilmer than the other way around. Brick
Pleasing Your Eye Holes – The Fall (2006) / Pan’s Labyrinth/“El Laberinto del Fauno” (2006)
Guillermo del Toro’s Pan’s Labyrinth is the more well known of these two, and even though they came out the same year and had many similarities, Tarsem Singh’s The Fall remains largely unknown to people who aren’t Lee Pace fangirls. Both of these films use the imaginations of young, traumatized girls as gateways to strikingly visual fantasy worlds. Putting these two films from foreign auteurs together is like matching The Wizard of Oz with Alice in Wonderland with more whimsy in the setting than the words.
Which to Watch First? Most people have already seen Pan’s Labyrinth and even though it is subtitled, while The Fall is in English, del Toro’s narrative is easier to follow and the world is more instantly engrossing. Pan’s Labyrinth / El Laberinto del Fauno
Non-American Love for American Action Movies – Hot Fuzz (2007) / Seven Psychopaths (2012)
It can be said that if you’ve seen one action movie you’ve seen them all, but that’s because for a lot of movie buffs they literally have. I wouldn’t call either of these movies parodies but Edgar Wright’s Hot Fuzz and Martin McDonagh’s Seven Psychopaths have a lot of laughs and fun with honest appreciation for all the good and bad action movies so influential to their careers. Hot Fuzz calls out its targets by name and is an Easter egg hunt of direct references, while Psychopaths is a more meta deconstruction of the genre and the writing process, but still with lots and lots of violence. To quote Sam Rockwell’s character, “Life-affirming, schmife-affirming. It’s called Seven fucking Psychopaths!”
Which to Watch First? Seven Psychopaths’ opening scene comparing the deaths of movie mobsters with real mobsters, delivered by Michael Pitt and Michael Stuhlbarg of Boardwalk Empire (a show about mobsters), so quickly sets the course for this movie’s take on reality that I was on board from the first few lines. While not as dark as McDonagh’s previous film, In Bruges, Psychopaths is big on the death, but the critiques it makes on the genre will be appreciated when revisited in the overall funnier Hot Fuzz. Seven Psychopaths
For my friends who know me in person, they know I am a big horticulture enthusiast. A plant and garden nerd so to speak. Yes. That’s actually a thing. It’s a really long story. Luckily gardening and sustainability and munching on farm fresh food is catching on with my fellow twenty-somethings so these days I no longer feel like the only one under sixty getting in a tizzy over evergreen shrubs and heirloom melons. But, this week I wanted to divulge a secret about the horticulture world you may not actually know. Gardeners, are nerds. Completely. Utterly. And not just in the sense of being a fanatic; horticulturists are trolls. Giant. Trolls. How? For those who think gardening means plants with very serious and frou-frou names, well you’re only partially right. The truth is, a lot of plant breeders and nurseries that introduce them just don’t give a fuck. Trolls. For every rose named ‘Madame Victor Verdier’ you have a rose named ‘Tipsy Imperial Concubine’.
Tipsy.
Imperial.
Concubine.
I am not joking.
And that is only a vintage example from the 1800s.
Since then we’ve have had horticulturists and breeders introduce into the world plant cultivar with names like ‘Hamburger Phoenix’ , ‘Cheddar Supreme’, and’ Crotchless Panties’. Serious!
In fact, there are particular flower breeders that are the most troll-tastic; daylilies, rose, iris and hosta breeders really could care less. They give absolutely no fucks. Zero. None. Nothing at the bottom of the barrel. You could dig for ages, you just won’t find one. Nope. Nothing there. Deer-munched, gone. Farewell. Goodbye.
This is not highbrow stuff. Case in point, to show just a sliver of the extent that gardeners and breeders are trolls, behold a list of fabulous plants you could grow in your garden:
‘Brazen Hussy’, ‘Salamander Crossing’, ’ How Audacious’, ‘Aggressively Forward’, ’ Pink Octopus’, ‘Sassy Kooma’ , ‘Judy Judy Judy’ ‘Nymph’s Thigh, ‘Roaring Jelly’, ‘Galadriel’, ‘Hebe’s Lip, ‘Spineless Virgin’, ‘That’s My Baby’, ‘Banish Misfortune’, ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’, ‘Comic Strip’ , ‘Shall We Dance’, ‘Fuldaglut’, ‘Attack Lizard, ‘Miss Manners’, ‘Religious Radish’, ‘Komodo Dragon’, ‘Inky Fingers’, ‘Teeny-Weeny Bikini’, ‘Black Negligee’, ‘Fishnet Stockings’ (a particular favorite), ‘Fancy Knickers’, ‘Shebang’, ‘Pistachio Nightmare’, ‘Pardon Me’, ‘Hot Legs’, ‘Crepe Suzette’, ‘Alley Cat’, ‘Tiny Monster’, ‘Strip Tease’, ‘Flaming Potluck’, ‘Amethyst Squid’, ‘Ugly As Sin’, ‘Zounds’ ‘Knickknack’, ‘Shebang’, ‘I’ll Be Damned’, ‘Vertigo’, ‘Swing Shift’, ‘Tora Tora’, ‘Cheesecake’, ’ Ally Oops’, ‘Wench’, ’ Hooked Again’, ‘Hot Sketch’, ‘Humors of Whiskey’, ’ Tall Dark and Handsome’, ’ Guacamole’, ’ Alligator Shoes’, ’Banana Muffins’, ’ Big Daddy’, ’ Hanky Panky’, ‘Sexy Rexy’, ’ XXX’, ‘Pineapple Upsidedown Cake’, ‘Rich Uncle’, ’ Banned In Boston’, ’ Lies and Lipstick’, ’Royal Adolescent’, ’ Saucer Full of Secrets’, ’ Sleeping At The Wheel’, ’ Skinny Dipping’ , ’ Spacecoast Dragon Prince’,’ String Bikini’, ’ Too Darn Hot’, ’ A Little Fire Scarecrow’,’ A Little Crabby’, ’ A Moose Fishing On A Pond On Monday’, ’ You Know Who’, ‘Oh My Stars and Garters’, ’ Little Wart’, ’’Outhouse Delight’, ’ Baboon Bottom’, ’ Sassy Redhead’, ’ Swamp Thing’, ’ Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini’, ‘Evil Ways’, ’ Improved Peach Blow’, ‘Zipper Gate’.
Then there is the ultimate, oh yes, ultimate nerdy example:
‘Bat Signal’
And what does the bat signal mean?!
And where there’s Batman there’s a
So there you have it. Hortricultists are trolls. And flowers are awesome.
Until next time folks!
Max Eber
Staff Writer/The Doctor
max@ihogeek.com
Twitter: @maxlikescomics
I am currently down here in sunny Orlando Florida, USA, having a blast following my first official academic presentation on Doctor Who and Peter Pan just yesterday (at the time of writing this article) at my first academic conference as an independent scholar.
Having now completed my first foray into presenting, and in the spirit of my last few guides, I’ve decided to provide twelve great tips and steps to help you dear readers in your possible personal quest to present at an academic convention.
- Find an actual topic and thesis you can argue until you turn blue and die.
- Actually research your stuff. Like, it’s kind of important.
- Note cards are a necessity. I thought they would be unnecessary but that proved false (Jen was right as she usually is) and keeps your presentation tidy and short.
- Be genial, smile, and engage the audience as you sit in utter authority at the front of the room.
- Either read excerpts from your paper or a scripted presentation or choose key points and argue them informally but certainly informed.
- Sacrifice Iphigenia before you present to ensure a successful presentation.
- Powerpoint presentations are often very helpful in trying to convey your arguments, especially if you use moving gifs and cracked out pictures specifically pulled from tumblr.
- Cat gifs are especially convincing.
- I was kidding. Cat gifs tend to not help make convincing arguments. They’re just cute. And cats. But making a deal with Mephistopheles does.
- Pick (as in steal) and eat lots of loquat fruit off of loquat trees planted on the hotel grounds. They are very delicious small fruits that taste like a solid fruit smoothie with a flavor and texture somewhere in between a peach, apricot and mango with tangy citrus overtones. Make sure they are a golden-apricot yellow before picking, picked too soon they are much more sour citrusy. They have very big seeds sometimes a lot in such a small fruit, big enough that you can throw them at people. Jen didn’t want to try them, but I made her and she said they were good.
- Brush your teeth before you present. No spinach nastiness now.
- A clear, loud and assertive speaking voice encouraged, you want to find the right balance between Kindergarten Teacher and demonic possession.
If you follow these steps and submit a good abstract and proposal to the conference of your choice, you too can give a great presentation. Note, only 1-5, 7, 10- and the first part of 12 are actual good advice, please do not do the others. Or do and tell me how that goes. But do eat loquats. They’re delicious.
Max Eber
Staff Writer/The Doctor
max@ihogeek.com
Twitter: @maxlikescomics