37% Match | 63% Enemy
IstariBlanco
Super Old, Male, Middle Earth
My self-summary:
I have many names including Saruman the White and Wise, Curunír, and more recently, Sharkey. Looking for a major hottie and majordomo to help build and run my empire. Ideologically open-minded is a plus, but servitude to myself and by extension the High Lord Sauron is an A-plus.
What I’m Doing With My Life:
I am real estate and industrial tycoon with beautiful riverside property along the Isen with access to the scenic trails of Fangorn Forrest. At one time I was a lover of nature and enjoyed attending Entmoot Con, but lately my interest have swayed more toward running real-time strategy games and gem and jewelry collecting.
I’m Really Good At:
I’m a people person and a leader. For centuries I was chair of my local wizard chapter before I parted ways with the organization to pursue my own personal projects. I still like to check in with old friends from time to time over the old palantir. Call me a hipster, but I’ll choose the ancient dark arts to stay in touch with pals over Facebook every time. I’ve also recently developed an interest in genetic engineering, particularly through the developments of hybrid species.
Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, and Food:
I’m a huge music fan. Top of the playlist right now:
My favorite character of all time is Fredo Corleone, but I’ve also been binge watching Vicious on the BBC.
The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit:
I won’t be playing second fiddle to Sauron for long! But more private, I’ve always secretly found the stink of Orc-Flesh rather enticing.
You Should Message Me If:
Due to some recent flooding in my area and some altercations with neighbors, I’m looking to make a big move West. I’m considering pulling a Trump by transforming my nose for business into political gold and running for a local office. If you’re located in or around the Shire, drop me a message!
What a catch! What other characters are you dying to make a love connection with? Check out our other profiles here!
When you play the game of chairs, you win or you, uh… don’t. There is no middle.
I’m the old man of our crew here at Sub Cultured, and out of the many shows I grew up on as a young child, one of the few that really stand out was Sesame Street. Looking back on that show now I can see it was basically sketch comedy for children. In addition to the shenanigans from the residents of Sesame Street all they had were funny sketches for kids – Bert and Ernie, all of the “Muppets and Kids” sketches, Super Grover, Forgetful Jones, and the Count’s counting songs were just a handful of the creative (and slightly warped minds) of the folks at the Childrens’ Television Workshop.
But there was one sketch which I absolutely loved back then as a kid. For some reason, I always got a kick out of Cookie Monster’s Monsterpiece Theater with Alistair Cookie. The first one I ever saw was “Chariots of Fur,” parodying the movie Chariots of Fire. It was one of those things that adults in the room probably enjoyed more than the kids. They were, and still are, purely laced with in-jokes a kid simply wouldn’t get.
So Monsterpiece Theater is no more, I’m quite sad to say, but its spirit lives on in Sesame Street’s dynamite parodies of popular modern shows. The last one I saw was a terrific parody of Downton Abbey entitled “Upside Downton Abbey.” And they just followed it up with a pure killer – a Game of Thrones parody entitled “Game of Chairs.” And it’s outright phenomenal. It’s extremely cool to see some of my favorite shows now being parodied by one of my favorite shoes from childhood, which has withstood the test of time and is still running. Check out the video below:
The video speaks for itself, but in case you can’t watch the video until later, the premise is utterly amazing. The Game of Chairs is legit a game of musical chairs, where the first round has three chairs contested by 4 players – Joffrey, Cersei, Dany and Robb. It is presided over by Ned Stark, who in this universe never lost his head. Here’s a few of the references to Game of Thrones that make this so funny:
- Grover plays Grover Bluejoy, who explains how to play the Game of Chairs.
- After making many mistakes, a Melisandre-fashioned puppet emerges out of nowhere with “The monster is blue, and full of errors.”
- When Joffrey loses and asks why he is out, he is told that he choked.
- When Grover wins and Ned is distraught, the line “Don’t lose your head over this, Neddy baby!” is uttered
- Grover asks for a sweater because “winter is coming.”
And the best part about this? It does what all Sesame Street sketches aim to do – it educates children. So even if we have a very Westeros-themed backdrop, the sketch still shows kids about counting – and why if there’s four players, there needs to be three chairs. Way to go, folks.
SWatch. Enjoy. and Rejoice. Hopefully this can help hold you over until the Game of Thrones season 5 premiere on April 12.
Tushar Nene
Staff Writer
@tusharnene
[p.s. This episode of Sub Cultured was brought to you by the letter T, and the number 0.]
25% Match | 75% Enemy
ScrHHEiekMothman_Kneel1996
70, Male?, Point Pleasant, WV
MY SELF SUMMARY:
SHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
(censored)
What am I doing with my life:
SHRIEKAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNYANG, SHREEEEEEEEMA, OMNAYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(tapping into phone lines, guessing games, destroying bridges)
I’m really good at:
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMYIEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEORCKAHA
SREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
NYAMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMUROAH SCRAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(tapping into phone lines, harassing horny teenagers in woods, guessing games, destroying bridges)
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:
SHREIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINAMAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(likes soft lips, rotary phones, sinks, Ordnance Works, Debra Messing, mothman digest, open windows, silos, porch lights, chapstick,
CSHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
(soft lips, rotary phones, open windows, porch lights, chapstick, Debra Messing)
SWM Seeks Fraulein for Good Time
91% Match | 9% Enemy
schmidt_skull1
103, Male, New York (ish)
My Self-Summary:
Ex-military agent, single father, passionate about politics, and seeking a lively fraulein with whom I can plot world domination & genocide. Oh, pardon me, my English is not too good. I meant submissive/dominant role-playing, and I love to enjoy a glass of apple cider.
I enjoy collecting WWII memorabilia, and ornate, powerful, cubes. Cubes are the square things that have powers, yes? I am not a cat person or a dog person, but I do own a small snake that I have named Hydra. He is quite sweet. Any spare time I have, I enjoy at the gym, keeping myself in perfect condition, and I also enjoy a challenging game of chess.
I’d prefer if you did not smoke. I quit some time ago, and the sight of cigarettes make me ill. Did you know they kill you!?
I also love to reinvent myself as the years go by, such as taking up painting, and reading up on new science.
What I’m Doing With My Life:
Currently, I am learning about the mutants, in an attempt to completely eradicate that population. Sorry, completely embrace the mutant people. This English is tricky!! I am also new to New York City, and am hoping some blonde, blue-eyed beauty would be kind enough to show me around.
I’m Really Good At:
Oh, I AIM very well, particularly with a gun in my hand that is pointed at Captain America ^_^
The First Things People Usually Notice About Me:
My natural ginger locks, and sensitive skin.
Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, and Food:
Ich lieben filme, particular those “sleepers” hits, like Birth of a Nation, or Coming to America, and Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark. The only thing I didn’t understand was why they would do Indiana Jones movies where he was the good guy. Those poor Nazis! They were only seeking to help their Fuhrer achieve world peace.
The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit:
I am a little touchy about the size of my feet. Germans are a small people.
You Should Message Me If:
You believe in a free world, and can point me in the direction of Steve Rogers.
——————–
This is the second in what we will be making into a series, so if there’s a villain you’d like done, request it in the comments!
I am currently down here in sunny Orlando Florida, USA, having a blast following my first official academic presentation on Doctor Who and Peter Pan just yesterday (at the time of writing this article) at my first academic conference as an independent scholar.
Having now completed my first foray into presenting, and in the spirit of my last few guides, I’ve decided to provide twelve great tips and steps to help you dear readers in your possible personal quest to present at an academic convention.
- Find an actual topic and thesis you can argue until you turn blue and die.
- Actually research your stuff. Like, it’s kind of important.
- Note cards are a necessity. I thought they would be unnecessary but that proved false (Jen was right as she usually is) and keeps your presentation tidy and short.
- Be genial, smile, and engage the audience as you sit in utter authority at the front of the room.
- Either read excerpts from your paper or a scripted presentation or choose key points and argue them informally but certainly informed.
- Sacrifice Iphigenia before you present to ensure a successful presentation.
- Powerpoint presentations are often very helpful in trying to convey your arguments, especially if you use moving gifs and cracked out pictures specifically pulled from tumblr.
- Cat gifs are especially convincing.
- I was kidding. Cat gifs tend to not help make convincing arguments. They’re just cute. And cats. But making a deal with Mephistopheles does.
- Pick (as in steal) and eat lots of loquat fruit off of loquat trees planted on the hotel grounds. They are very delicious small fruits that taste like a solid fruit smoothie with a flavor and texture somewhere in between a peach, apricot and mango with tangy citrus overtones. Make sure they are a golden-apricot yellow before picking, picked too soon they are much more sour citrusy. They have very big seeds sometimes a lot in such a small fruit, big enough that you can throw them at people. Jen didn’t want to try them, but I made her and she said they were good.
- Brush your teeth before you present. No spinach nastiness now.
- A clear, loud and assertive speaking voice encouraged, you want to find the right balance between Kindergarten Teacher and demonic possession.
If you follow these steps and submit a good abstract and proposal to the conference of your choice, you too can give a great presentation. Note, only 1-5, 7, 10- and the first part of 12 are actual good advice, please do not do the others. Or do and tell me how that goes. But do eat loquats. They’re delicious.
Max Eber
Staff Writer/The Doctor
max@ihogeek.com
Twitter: @maxlikescomics
Is this you?
– Finding yourself having only average likes and dislikes
– Find your conversation skills to be flat and dull or without certain zip and vigor
– Have less than adequate passion and neuroticism in your life,
– Overall, actually pleasantly happy.
Well if you read those bullets and think ” Well, that is just so me”, I must tell you about the revolutionary thing guaranteed to bring both zip and vigor to your conversations, extraordinary likes and dislikes and vocal opinions for both, as well as multitudes of passion and neuroticism and finally; emotional devastation. And you must wonder “What in the world could bring me all such things into my life?” Well, let me introduce you to the thing that will surely bring all those changes and more: obsessions. Yes obsessions. The miraculous time eating, soul crushing phenomenon that is sweeping the nation. And guess what; YOU can have one too.
And you may ask ” How do I get an obsession?” Well, let me tell you, it is easy and can be achieved in just a few simple steps, of which I am gladly able to instruct. In just a short amount of time you will be surely loosing sleep and bothering everyone in your life with your newfound zeal.
THE FIRST STEP TO GETTING AN OBSESSION:
Flirt with the idea of an interest. Take any ordinary interest, and coyly flirt with it; ” Yes it would be nice to try that sometime,” or yes I would like to kiss that person and take off their pants; and then promptly not partake in it. These days it is amazingly easy to pick a particular interest in which to build a flirtation with; the wonderful television box and it’s quality programing now more than ever presents a buffet of things to eye but never taste. One could also flip through celebrity and popular media magazines to glance over pictures of the stars in their heavenly spheres in Hollywood and on the red carpet to scope out the faces or current news but remember, do not partake in the actual magazine, but rather find the right editorial picture that will seer itself in the back of your mind and once you do, close it immediately. Illustrated comics and novels of course are notoriously easy subjects in which to do this method. Watching motion pictures can provide the same effect, casually choose your film according to aesthetic, director, a particular actor that you have heard amazing things about, take into account all these things that you would like to watch but again never do and let the idea fester for a good while. If it is apple growing you wish to partake in, then eat an apple, and get to know the available varieties, but never make an effort to actually go buy an apple tree.
Continue your denial of actually wanting to try until you are about to burst, making the object of your affection be forced, due to your stubbornness, to take a more active role in wooing you and once substantial effort and media exposure has driven you absolutely mad with longing, allow them to fully seduce you. Which leads to the second step:
INTENSE INDULGENCE, RESEARCH AND PURCHASES
After finally allowing your chosen obsession to successfully woo you after a prolonged period of coquettish toying, you must no matter what it is, research anything and everything about your chosen sweetheart (bless those that choose multiple). This entails using the world wide web, looking up photo collections, encyclopedia like entries that share every drop of information you can muster. Filmography, back issues, trivia.. each and every video. You must indulge in your new lover and consume all the associated media you can get related to them. Television shows both of the real and of the animated variety are easy lovers that way; the sums of their entire parts often found lumped together in easily assessable disks for your viewing machines for a fair price. Or if money is an issue, one can easily assume the role of pirate and pillage stockpiles hidden among the web to find your desired riches. It is advisable to join a social forums and clubs like tumblr where you can connect with others who revel in your newfound similar tastes. Once you have become increasingly immersed in your chosen poison, you must of course, and this is important the third step:
LET IT CONTROL AND PROFOUNDLY CONTROL YOUR LIFE
If one chooses to become an aficionado of an object, craft or trade in particular you must make it painfully obvious that you expend a great deal of time doing this craft and show off the rewards of your labor at any cost. Bragging is encouraged and slip your new found hobbies into conversation; ” I am so sorry your mother died; I breed roses and rare exotic birds.”
Victorian Web
If your chosen obsession is of the media kind, you must let the narratives, the writing and the characters deeply affect you now as if they were actual people, and if they are real people you must treat them as if they were wonderfully crafted fiction sent to destroy your happiness, because that is of course the aim. You must call your friends sobbing, dry heaving and wretching when great tragedy occurs in story or something occurs or if an actor actually breathed in an interview. The more you sound like a five year old the better you are doing and if you find yourself still too composed, you must work harder at letting the material and persons of your desire cause even more damage. Start writing incredibly dirty prose and artworks of your particular favorites if you are so inclined. Many do, and the more you fear for older family members viewing your work the more it is all actually working. That is a sure sign the whole process is moving along quite well. When you are fine tuned to your obsession you will be able to seek others out in a crowd easily that you think or feel may share the same passions and thus you must instantly befriend them; as in shout and battle to the death as they cannot possibly survive. Your sleep, should even its already degraded state should worsen even more. You must now also, mimicking the frenzy of your research, now go in the journey to purchase all and every piece of merchandise or variety of thing your wallet can muster and after that you may have to resort to stealing or trading. Vintage clothing, every variety of apple bred before 1900, books and cards, stamps and marbles. Every album, every figurine and body pillow. Every Middle-Eastern breed of fancy pigeon. It must be yours.
Once you find yourself in this position, have done perhaps some if not all of the above, and have possibly died in the process then exhale deeply (if you can), for you have firmly, utterly have become obsessed with something.
May god help you.
Max Eber
Staff Writer/The Doctor
max@ihogeek.com
Twitter: @maxlikescomics