REVIEW | 50 Shades of Grey – How To Laugh Your Way to Better Abs!

Newsweek did it. Amazon did it. Housewives did it. Critics did it. Now I guess I’m doing it.

That’s right. I’m reading 50 Shades of Grey. And by golly, I am laughing my ass off.

E. L. James’ Twilight based fan fiction turned sex novel has impacted the American reader like no other since… well, a lot of other salaciously scandalous scantily clad books before it. Try saying that three times fast.

But this one has something going for it. It is hilarious. Not intended, but really, super funny if you take all the serious moments out of context.

“Yeah, baby. Oh yeah, baby. Oh my.” – 50 Shades of Grey, probably.

Supposedly there is a plot somewhere all in all of this dribble where our titular character Anastasia Steele, a near college graduate virgin, catches the eye of the wealthy, deep, and complicated young billionaire, Christian Grey. Bella, I mean Anastasia, constantly describes Edward, I mean Christian, as an Adonis. Sound familiar? The similarities don’t end there. Anastasia also has the worst and most awkward inner monologue ever, including during sex, and trusts, by Christian’s demand, the results of Wikipedia in the matter of educating herself in “The Dark Side” of sex.

Spoiler Alert: I will read this book and I will rip this entire series apart as I go along and will give away a ton of the ending.

Deal with it.

Smut for smut’s sake, is fine. You want to read erotica? Awesome. Go for it. Check out some scandalous, like The Diaries of an Unlikely Call Girl, or Story of O, or Claiming of Sleeping Beauty.  There is an annual collection of the best erotica each year compiled. Just go for it. But forcing a weird romance storyline because you had a wet dream about Twilight in between something that is super down and dirty is just strange.

Ana and Christian meet through a perfectly awkward “Oh no, my roomie on the all important College Newspaper is sick! And I, the not at all experienced in news reporting person must fill her shoes during this interview with a super high power, impossibly hard to get ahold of, benefactor of the university. OH MY!”

One more thing? Get used to the phrase, “Oh my.”

Or sometimes, “Oh shit.” There is also the occasional, “Holy crap!” And in at least one case, there is also pirate talk. I’m surprised there isn’t an, “Oh Mylanta!” involved thus far, but maybe we’re saving that for the sequel. Because every time E. L. James gets a little sexy, steamy, and scandalous flow going on, it gets ruined by Anastasia’s inner good girl monologue. Literally. Nice way to pump the brakes there, James.

Back to what passes for a plot these days. The super serious, cold, and ultra-professional Christian Grey, who is always described as an Adonis since thesauruses aren’t a thing, loves to use the word “Baby,” to address his main gal Ana in bed. “Bleep bleep I’m gonna bleep bleep you so bleep bleep… baby, yeah.”

So why am I reading this, if I find it so ridiculous?

I will read or try to read anything once just to see what the hype is about. I’ll read best sellers, advertisements, publisher information, tween romance, science fiction, fantasy, instruction manuals, recipes, cereal boxes, and how-to hints and tips. In the case of books that make a stir with the masses, I will make a point to read it – just to see if I like it or if I hate it.

Example: I cannot stand Twilight. It is badly written and takes too long to get to the point. I believe that it places precarious self esteem issues in the forefront of what seems to be an abusive or at least seriously lopsided relationship. The female protagonist, Bella Swan, has no idea of self and seeks validation through attention from distant, literally cold men. Yes, I read the whole series. And saw the first movie. And I think that Katniss wins every time because Swan Song needs to go to a women’s retreat and find herself.

About me: I’m a feminist. I don’t really judge people so long as no one is getting hurt and everyone is consensual and safe. I’m pretty open minded and after spending a few years in the Women’s Gender and Sexuality Studies department in college I have had to study and dissect a lot about people, their proclivities and tendencies.

That being said, I get concerned when “Dark Side” things go mainstream, mainly because I’ve read too many incident reports that started with “read in book/saw on TV/movie” and ended in ER visits. People who try things out without education because they are the new fad can seriously get hurt. It makes everyone look bad and places a pale on a whole community.

Here are a few tips to help get through 50 Shades of Grey a little easier. Imagine every “Oh my,” is said in George Takei’s voice, ever uttered “Holy cow!” is voiced by Bart Simpson voice, each instance of “Baby” is murmured by Barry White, and the Pirate stuff is in… well, salty sea dog. I wouldn’t suggest a shot to accompany these instances, because alcohol poisoning is a real danger.

Because after Ana, an English Classics college major, saves her virtue thus far only to lose it to Christian Grey after knowing him for less than 24 hours and wakes up in his bed, she finds him playing super sad classical piano. Oh yeah, did I mention? He flew her to his super duper mod apartment. In his helicopter.

He tells her he’s totally had a rough life and she thinks ” WOW! So complicated.”

And then for some reason there ‘s a bath scene. “OH MY! Imported jasmine bath oil for my super sore body, skin, and down there!” And yes, lets point out again that this 21-year-old English Classics college major protagonist still calls it the “DOWN THERE.” area.

Which is only trumped by referring to his penis as her very own personal “Christian Grey Flavored Popsicle.”

All I can think about is Whig in Bridesmaids making the “Hello I’m a Penis and I’m Here Face.”

She gets all super proud of herself, having just exerted some power over this curious man-creature. And then there’s a lot of sex tension during breakfast.  And then, an actually somewhat well crafted description of female recipient “lady popsicle-ing” shall we say? Punctuated by – “AAAARRRGHHHH!” Thar be pirates in this sex scene.

Next time, we get into the rough stuff. “He’s TOTALLY YUMMY!  OH MY! So yummy.” Thar be all for now. More to follow in the chapters to come!

Next Review: 50 Shades Darker