How to Pay Way More Attention to the Academy Awards Than They Deserve

Which is to say any attention at all. But if you spent the day watching shitty television like I did, you know that the nominations were announced today and have heard enough about the Oscars to make your ears bleed. On an intellectual level, I know that the Oscars are bullshit. However, on a I’m-a-mean-spirited-person level, I like seeing things that I like (movies) crush the dreams of things that I don’t like(other, shitty movies). So here is the list of Academy Award nominations for this year and my highly qualified opinions about all of them. Feel free to ignore my rants and just read the noms.

Best Picture

• The Artist
• The Descendants
• Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
• The Help
• Hugo
• Midnight in Paris
• Moneyball
• The Tree of Life
• War Horse

I have seen none of these movies. Therefore, I want none of them to win. I vote Shark Night 3D for the top prize.

Best Director

• Michel Hazanavicius-The Artist
• Alexander Payne-The Descendants
• Martin Scorsese-Hugo
• Woody Allen-Midnight in Paris
• Terrence Malick-The Tree of Life

Same deal.

Best Actor

• Demián Bichir-A Better Life
• George Clooney -The Descendants
• Jean Dujardin-The Artist
• Gary Oldman -Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
• Brad Pitt -Moneyball

There’s nothing more annoying than a “career Oscar.” These are awarded to actors and actresses who have not won for  superior work in the past, so the academy decides that his or her “time has come.” I can’t say anything about Brad Pitt’s and George Clooney’s performances, but I could totally see either of them winning based on this stupid sentimental idea.(side: George won supporting actor, best actor’s evil stepbrother, so it doesn’t count)

On the other hand, I did see “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” and snaps for Gary Oldman’s well-deserved first Oscar nomination ever. He brought so much to the role of British spy, George Smiley. His subtle performance proved that truly great actors can express more with their faces and movements than with verbose dialogue.

Speaking of actors that can act their pants off without saying a word, when will the academy recognize Andy Serkis? Jean Dujardin earned his nomination with a silent picture, but I can’t see how he could have possibly out acted Serkis as Caesar in “Rise of the Planet of the Apes.”

Best Supporting Actor

• Kenneth Branagh-My Week with Marilyn
• Jonah Hill -Moneyball
• Nick Nolte -Warrior
• Christopher Plummer -Beginners
• Max von Sydow -Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

I really need to watch more movies. Although I do like when Kenneth Branagh directs “Thor,” I hope that Peter Dinklage wins.

Best Actress

• Glenn Close -Albert Nobbs
• Viola Davis -The Help
• Rooney Mara-The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
• Meryl Streep-The Iron Lady
• Michelle Williams -My Week with Marilyn

Rooney was amazeballs in GwtDT and I do hope she wins. However, this is Meryl Streep’s 17th Oscar nomination and I wouldn’t be upset if she won because these ceremonies must be as boring for her to attend as they are for the rest of us to watch.

Best Supporting Actress

• Bérénice Bejo -The Artist
• Jessica Chastain -The Help
• Melissa McCarthy -Bridesmaids
• Janet McTeer -Albert Nobbs
• Octavia Spencer -The Help

Know what? I didn’t much care for “Bridesmaids”. And I’m not just one of those people who like to be contrary for the sake of being an asshole. It was fine, I laughed occasionally, but I thought “Bad Teacher“ was funnier.” So just because everyone freaked out over “Bridesmaids”, I hope Melissa McCarthy doesn’t win. When has a dude won an Oscar for shitting himself in a movie?

Animated Feature Film

• A Cat in Paris
• Chico & Rita
• Kung Fu Panda 2
• Puss in Boots
• Rango

Would it be okay if the re-releases of “Lion King” or “Beauty and the Beast” won? Would anyone really disagree? “Rango” can win if Johnny Depp promises to not do anymore voice-over work (or another Pirates movie) because he wasn’t great in “Corpse Bride“ and I doubt he was exceptional in this.

Art Direction

• The Artist- Production Design: Laurence Bennett; Set Decoration: Robert Gould
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2- Production Design: Stuart Craig; Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan
• Hugo-Production Design: Dante Ferretti; Set Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo
• Midnight in Paris-Production Design: Anne Seibel; Set Decoration: Hélène Dubreuil
• War Horse-Production Design: Rick Carter; Set Decoration: Lee Sandales

HARRY POTTER BECAUSE!

Cinematography

• The Artist- Guillaume Schiffman
• The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo-Jeff Cronenweth
• Hugo-Robert Richardson
• The Tree of Life-Emmanuel Lubezki
• War Horse-Janusz Kaminski

HARRY POTTER BECAUSE! ( although all of these movies looked gorgeous)

Costume Design

• Anonymous- Lisy Christl
• The Artist-Mark Bridges
• Hugo- Sandy Powell
• Jane Eyre- Michael O’Connor
• W.E.- Arianne Phillips

HARRY PO– actually, I’m upset Tinker Tailor wasn’t nominated. It may not have the best costume design of the year, but the 1960’s  outfits were really spectacular and at the very least made me think that I was watching an episode of “Mad Men”. The costumes were on display at the Lincoln Center Theater in New York where I saw the film and they really were perfection.

Documentary (Feature)

• Hell and Back Again-Danfung Dennis and Mike Lerner
• If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front-Marshall Curry and Sam Cullman
• Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory- Charles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs
• Pina- Wim Wenders and Gian-Piero Ringel
• Undefeated- TJ Martin, Dan Lindsay and Richard Middlemas

The only documentary I saw this year was Waiting for Superman, which was about our public school system and failing education standards. It was very interesting and is on Netflix Instant so go watch that.

Documentary (Short Subject)

• The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement-Robin Fryday and Gail Dolgin
• God Is the Bigger Elvis-Rebecca Cammisa and Julie Anderson
• Incident in New Baghdad-James Spione
• Saving Face- Daniel Junge and Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy
• The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom-Lucy Walker and Kira Carstensen

Whatever.

Film Editing

• The Artist-Anne-Sophie Bion and Michel Hazanavicius
•  The Descendants- Kevin Tent
• The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo- Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall
• Hugo- Thelma Schoonmaker
• Moneyball-Christopher Tellefsen

Foreign Film 

• Bullhead- Belgium
• Footnote
• In Darkness-Poland
• Monsieur Lazhar-Canada
• A Separation- Iran

Me gusta.

Make-up

• Albert Nobbs- Martial Corneville, Lynn Johnston and Matthew W. Mungle
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2- Edouard F. Henriques, Gregory Funk and Yolanda Toussieng
• The Iron Lady- Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland

Harry Potter. I’m glad J. Edgar wasn’t nominated because the old man masks on Jackass were more believable.

Music (Original Score)

• The Adventures of Tintin-John Williams
• The Artist-Ludovic Bource
• Hugo-Howard Shore
• Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy-Alberto Iglesias
• War Horse”-John Williams

Again, can the Lion King or Beast win? Or John Williams. I bet he uses his Oscars as fire kindling at this point.

Short Film (Animated)

• “Dimanche/Sunday” Patrick Doyon
• “The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore” William Joyce and Brandon Oldenburg
• “La Luna” Enrico Casarosa
• “A Morning Stroll” Grant Orchard and Sue Goffe
• “Wild Life” Amanda Forbis and Wendy Tilby

Don’t Care, but let’s go with the second one because it sounds weird.

Short Film (Live Action)

• “Pentecost” Peter McDonald and Eimear O’Kane
• “Raju” Max Zähle and Stefan Gieren
• “The Shore” Terry George and Oorlagh George
• “Time Freak” Andrew Bowler and Gigi Causey
• “Tuba Atlantic” Hallvar Witzø

I care even less.

Sound Editing

• “Drive” Lon Bender and Victor Ray Ennis
• “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Ren Klyce
• “Hugo” Philip Stockton and Eugene Gearty
• “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” Ethan Van der Ryn and Erik Aadahl
• “War Horse” Richard Hymns and Gary Rydstrom

Let’s go with with Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I feel like I could really hear it when Lisbeth kicked that dildo up that rapist’s ass.

Sound Mixing

• “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” David Parker, Michael Semanick, Ren Klyce and Bo Persson
• “Hugo” Tom Fleischman and John Midgley
• “Moneyball” Deb Adair, Ron Bochar, Dave Giammarco and Ed Novick
• “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” Greg P. Russell, Gary Summers, Jeffrey J. Haboush and Peter J. Devlin
• “War Horse” Gary Rydstrom, Andy Nelson, Tom Johnson and Stuart Wilson

I’m going to be honest, I don’t even know what “sound mixing” is.

Visual Effects

• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2-Tim Burke, David Vickery, Greg Butler and John Richardson
• -Hugo-Rob Legato, Joss Williams, Ben Grossman and Alex Henning
• Real Steel- Erik Nash, John Rosengrant, Dan Taylor and Swen Gillberg
• Rise of the Planet of the Apes-Joe Letteri, Dan Lemmon, R. Christopher White and Daniel Barrett
• Transformers: Dark of the Moon- Scott Farrar, Scott Benza, Matthew Butler and John Frazier

Do you think I’ll lose my Harry Potter cred if I hope the people behind Rise win? Tom Felton was in it so I should be okay.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

• “The Descendants” Screenplay by Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon & Jim Rash
• “Hugo” Screenplay by John Logan
• “The Ides of March” Screenplay by George Clooney & Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon
• “Moneyball” Screenplay by Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin. Story by Stan Chervin
• “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” Screenplay by Bridget O’Connor & Peter Straughan

I’m actually reading Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (by John Le Carre) right now and so far the screenplay was a great adaptation. Decidedly better than “Harry Potter’s” adaptation (For example, not one all-powerful dark lords inexplicably disintegrated into shredded paper at the end of “Tinker Tailor”).

Writing (Original Screenplay)

• “The Artist” Written by Michel Hazanavicius
• “Bridesmaids” Written by Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig
• “Margin Call” Written by J.C. Chandor
• “Midnight in Paris” Written by Woody Allen
• “A Separation” Written by Asghar Farhadi

The Artist. A silent film. Goodnight.

Leave your Oscar predictions in the comments! Who should win? Who was snubbed? What boring montage would you like to see this year?