All I want for Xmas is . . . Owl Post.

For my Owl Post packages to come to me unscathed. And sans owl pellets.

But really, can you imagine how awesome and terrifying it would be to actually receive a Harry Potter style Owl Post at Christmas?  Birds swooping in and diving at your head with fun and not so fun things. But then there are the owl pellets.

“Well, hmmm, this was edible, but in poorly packaged condition. Once you get past the shrew skeleton next to the fur lump, it should be ok.”

I speak from a an odd perspective on this, have had my home invaded by a bird of prey not too long ago. Sans owl pellets.

That’s right, a bird of prey.

Was in my living room.

It did not bring with it a bitchin’ sweater from the Weasley household. It did scare the living crap out of my roomies though.

I get a call from the kitchen:

“Britt? Are you good with animals?”

“yeeeaahhh . . .”

“Uh, there’s a bird in the house . . .”

“On it.”

So I get into the living room by one of our sliding glass doors, while putting on my glasses. I think to myself, “Oh, it’s probably just a sparrow . . .[I get closer] no . . . hmmm, a really fat pigeon? [Eyes focus] OH! A  small owl! Awesome!”

Still wrong.

The bird unfolds its wings and lifts its head. It’s a hawk. An Effing Hawk. Holy Shit. I don’t get to have a Hedwig moment, I don’t get any presents, not even a remembral.

I just need to figure out how the hell to catch a hawk.

So, like any wanna be raptor trainer, I stick my arm out. I appear, oh how shall we say . . . a little bit Hawk-ward?

Hawk looks at me as if to say, “Oh bitch, please. Screw your skinny ass arm. I will eat that for lunch. After I eat that little dog over there.”

And then it takes off. Into a window. Who’s the bitch with the skinny arm now? I will make you my pet. And you will deliver my mail. I will have the Fedex of Hogwarts at my disposal! Mwuaaahahahaha!!

Anyways, I blanket the bird and scoop the bewildered thing up. It slips out, flies around a little bit, hits another window. Again with the blanket,scooping and eventually release it outside.