True Facts about “The Hobbit: Battle of Five Armies”

1. More dialogue exists in Wall-E than this movie. More dialogue might also exist in the silent movies of the 1920s.
2. The troll with no eyes and no limbs deserves justice and if you don’t think that what Legolas did to him was a hate crime you’re wrong. Also maybe that’s where Legolas got his eyes from and that’s why he has special abilities?

3. The reason there are so many white men is because they are all just cardboard stand-in versions of one guy. They didn’t want to invest too much in the movie, because the whole point of it was to wring the IP of every last penny, so a few corners were cut.
4. Orcs have temper problems but, much like the rancor, it is not their fault. As the legendary writer Lady Gaga would say, “baby, you were born this way.” I mean the rancor wasn’t–he was tortured and starved by Jabba–but the Orcs, they were definitely born that way.
5. The fact that this movie is named “The Hobbit” is actually a huge spoiler as he is the only character who survives to the end, where the true nature of the film is revealed. It is a tragic commentary on the growing affinity for socialism in America. Do you really want to be Bilbo in an empty hobbit hole? No? Then don’t vote for Obama.
6. Bard and Thorin at the wall was the first and last time Thorin ever listened to shit. You think the dwarf king needs to subject himself to such humility? He does not. Humility cannot be measured in gold and therefore does not concern the king. Further more:
7. The king only listens to the king… Unless he is being swallowed up by some weird gold dream. Also is he really ever listening if he hasn’t dramatically announced it? No. The answer is no.
8. Thorin’s gold floor was real but Dumbledore’s beard was 30% CGI.
9. No potatoes were harmed in the making of this film, though Peter Jackson’s reputation with women took a massive hit.
10. Rancors are still cool and cute.Jen Schiller
Staff Writer
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