Game Of Thrones: The Virgin Diaries

Overall Impressions of Game of Thrones:

I’m surprised by how much I’m enjoying myself. I’m not sure I’d like it as much if I wasn’t taking notes. The age difference between the characters and their actors is kinda staggering, but I guess there’s a reason for that.

Chapters read: 9

Chauvanism count: 5 (mostly perpetrated by Vis because he is the worst)
Winter is coming count: 7 (less than expected)
Mentions of Jon Snow’s Bastard status: 18 (seriously folks give it a rest)
Mentions of Dragons: 12
Actual Dragons: 0 (someone wake that dragon or I’m going back to The Hobbit.)
New Characters (Including Direwolves): 78

What did you read this week? (Be as specific as possible)

This week I read about a LOT of different characters living in this world. One is a bastard, one is a dragon, six are giant wolves, one is NOT named Robb (but his son is) and very few are women. There are creepy murderous creatures over the Wall. Bran found some puppies that his brother saved and that may or may not be an omen of things to come. There are old gods and new gods and they are a point of contention among the people. The dragon family used to be in charge but the kingslayer murdered the mad king and now the fat king is in charge. The dragon family wants to be in charge again so the oldest sibling is trying to marry off his younger sister to gain an army. The fat king comes to visit his old friend Robb Ned and they go to the crypt and he asks Robb Ned to be his Hand, because his other Hand was murdered (maybe by the fat kings wife’s family?). Robb Ned agrees but only when his wife tells him to while she is naked.
Jon Snow is a bastard so he can get crunk without getting in too much trouble. He asks his uncle if he can be part of the Night’s Watch and his uncle says no but Jon says yes and then storms off drunkenly and sees a dwarf and cries himself to sleep. Arya’s shit at lady crafts, but she and Jon are friends. Sansa might marry the prince Joffrey who is tall but rude. Sansa is pretty but Arya isn’t (or she doesn’t think she is.) Bran likes to climb things and he climbs an abandoned tower and sees the queen having s-e-x with her brother and they shove him out the window.

How did you feel about what you read this week?

Overwhelmed. There were a lot of characters to keep track of and if I hadn’t watched the show and kept notes I’d have gotten lost several times especially since I was 1000% sure Robb was the dad’s name. I was happy when Jon saved the puppies and sad for Dany because all she wants is simple life in a house with a red door but her brother is a douche-canoe. I kind of feel bad for all the kids in this book so far because it seems like the adults are obsessed with killing each other and the kids all just want to live their lives, except Sansa who totally wants to play the Game of Thrones with Joff. That’s what I’m calling sex in this series from now on. But other than Sansa, LEAVE THE KIDS ALONE.

Think about your favorite character in Game of Thrones. What happened to him/her this week?

My favorite character on the tv show is Dany, but this week all she did in the book was get harassed by her rude brother, dream about the red door (symbolism???) and stare at her maybe-future husband.

In the book so far, Jon Snow is my favorite. I like that he is sassy and that even though everyone seems obsessed with the fact that he’s a bastard, his family (except his NOTmom) treat him like any other sibling. I also like that he watches out for his half-siblings and puts them before himself. Also he’s sacrificing the touch of a lady to work on the Wall which means he is very selfless indeed.

This week, Jon found some puppies and saved them, got rejected from the family table and got drunk, and messed up Arya’s hair a bunch. Oh and he asked his uncle if he could join the Night’s Watch and also he met a dwarf who seems very smart.

How would you feel if the same things happened to you?

Dis puppy good. He mine.

Probably scared to never know the touch of a woman. But also I’d feel pretty okay so far. Jon’s step-mom ignores him but his siblings are very nice (at least Robb and Arya are, I haven’t seen the rest of them interact with him yet.) Also Jon got a dog this week and I like having pets, so that’s nice. AND he got drunk off his bastard-tush at the feast, which I occasionally also enjoy doing. Joining the Night’s Watch would be scary business, but at least now he has purpose. I feel strangely optimistic for Jonny-boy. Am I missing something?

What questions do you have about what you read this week in Game of Thrones?

1. Is Jon REALLY a bastard? Maybe Robb Ned gave birth to him without the help of a woman at all, and Jon is the savior of Westeros.
2. Do Jaime and Cersi hate themselves? Because they def. should.
3. DID BRAN SURVIVE HIS FALL? (JK I’ve seen the show.)

What do you predict will happen next? Later?

Let’s just like be friends and stuff.

This is a hard question to answer when I’ve seen the first season of the show and kind of know what’s going to happen. I don’t know though because everyone is much younger in the book than the show so maybe there will be less s-e-x?
What I hope happens is that all the older people kill each other and, like a reverse end to Romeo and Juliet, the children learn from their parents’ mistakes and create a beautiful future for themselves where no one fights for the iron throne. In fact, the iron throne gets melted down to make magical rings and everyone unites the land under a sovereign god or something.

Tune in next week to find out how many disturbing revelations I make, and follow along my live-tweeting at #GoTVirgin and #sweetsummerchild.

Jen Schiller
Staff Writer
@Jenisaur