An Open Letter of Utterly Desperate Begging to Amy Poehler

Dear Amy (Ms. Poehler?  I feel like I should possibly at least try to start out formally here, but that’s not really working, is it?),

You are so awesome.

I mean, you are awesome to a point I cannot entirely express.  Not just for the fact that you are one of the funniest people in show business right now, that you were a long-time cast member on SNL where you got to follow in the footsteps of the amazing Jane Curtain as one half of the Weekend Update team, and you are the star of one of the most lauded TV shows currently running.  I mean, that would kinda be enough right there, but you go beyond that.

You don’t take crap.  In an interview from 2004, Tina Fey shared this story: Amy Poehler and I were in the airport last week in Toronto and we were getting hassled by this middle-aged businessman who was doing that thing that middle-aged businessmen do, being rude. And then Amy, in the middle of the airport, screamed, ‘Fuck you, you fuckin’ dick, you fuckin’ rich asshole.'”  It’s one of numerous examples of you refusing to put up with bullshit.

You don’t shy away from the word “feminist,” in fact you fully embrace it and encourage other women to do so as well.  Your series Smart Girls at the Party highlights and celebrates this fact, and is done so without being patronizing.

You don’t seem to buy into bullshit about “having it all” or “not having it all.”

You see the very, very real power in never losing the fiery little girl inside yourself who hasn’t been smacked down by societal rules about being ladylike and a good girl.

You got on stage with the motherfucking Foo Fighters and sang Joan Jett’s hit “Bad Reputation.”

This isn’t just mindless praise, Amy.  Well, okay, it is praise, but it is not mindless.  This the precursor to a desperate plea.

Let me train with you, Amy Poehler.  Let me learn your ways.

Let me travel to your hidden mountain sanctuary and become your student.  I am humble, I know I have much to learn and I am willing.  Teach me how to be funny without being self-depreciating.  Guide me so that I may hold my head high and be all right with being seen as bossy, a bitch, imperfect.  Impart upon me your wisdom that I may use it to bring justice to this world.

Let me be your apprentice, your squire, your intern, your whatever is the least creepy of these options.  Train me day in and day out until I am at risk of the student becoming the master and you have to put me down because I’ve taken your teachings to a place of darkness and evil.

Or, you know.  Don’t.  That’s cool, too.

Ashly is generally joking about stuff, but she’s not entirely kidding about this.  If Amy Poehler wants to reach her she can try via Twitter, @newageamazon.