37% Match | 63% Enemy
IstariBlanco
Super Old, Male, Middle Earth
My self-summary:
I have many names including Saruman the White and Wise, Curunír, and more recently, Sharkey. Looking for a major hottie and majordomo to help build and run my empire. Ideologically open-minded is a plus, but servitude to myself and by extension the High Lord Sauron is an A-plus.
What I’m Doing With My Life:
I am real estate and industrial tycoon with beautiful riverside property along the Isen with access to the scenic trails of Fangorn Forrest. At one time I was a lover of nature and enjoyed attending Entmoot Con, but lately my interest have swayed more toward running real-time strategy games and gem and jewelry collecting.
I’m Really Good At:
I’m a people person and a leader. For centuries I was chair of my local wizard chapter before I parted ways with the organization to pursue my own personal projects. I still like to check in with old friends from time to time over the old palantir. Call me a hipster, but I’ll choose the ancient dark arts to stay in touch with pals over Facebook every time. I’ve also recently developed an interest in genetic engineering, particularly through the developments of hybrid species.
Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, and Food:
I’m a huge music fan. Top of the playlist right now:
My favorite character of all time is Fredo Corleone, but I’ve also been binge watching Vicious on the BBC.
The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit:
I won’t be playing second fiddle to Sauron for long! But more private, I’ve always secretly found the stink of Orc-Flesh rather enticing.
You Should Message Me If:
Due to some recent flooding in my area and some altercations with neighbors, I’m looking to make a big move West. I’m considering pulling a Trump by transforming my nose for business into political gold and running for a local office. If you’re located in or around the Shire, drop me a message!
What a catch! What other characters are you dying to make a love connection with? Check out our other profiles here!
0% Match | 0% Enemy
Oneiric_Dustlord7
3rd of the Endless, Changeable, The Dreaming
My Self-Summary:
I am Morpheus, Dream of the Endless and Lord L’Zoril. We have met. Perhaps when we did you named me Lord of Stories, The Sandman, Wesley Dodds or interim master of Hell. No matter. You have known me intimately, if only from a certain point of view. Welcome.
What I’m Doing With My Life:
I have many responsibilities and little time or interest in enumerating them to you. My realm is infinite and my service is endless.
Desire here.
You’ll have to excuse my brother, though I never will. Let me warn you, admirer, that he is stuffy, stupid, and thinks he knows everything, and there’s just something about him that gets on my nerves. But step forward, any being who thinks that they can distract the Lord of Naps from his work, and I shall make him want you.
I’m Really Good At:
An inane question. I am and do what I am. I am “good” at no more than is my responsibility.
Hi There! We most likely don’t know each other! I’m Death.
Nice of you to drop by my little brother’s profile (full disclosure: I made him make one). He just gets so wrapped up in work sometimes that it’s like he forgets that he’s a multi-aspected personification of unreality with real needs. He’s very well spoken, loves stories and travel, and is one of the most creative people that I’ve ever met after maybe my sister, Delirium. Plus, if you’re into that whole tall, dark, and brooding thing, you probably couldn’t find anyone more that type.
Oh, due to a few uh…sort of bad endings to some of his past relationships, don’t message if you’re a mortal from any galaxy, plane, or sentient form of matter. It just wouldn’t work out between you and Morpheus, even though I’m sure that you’re very nice. By the way, if you are mortal then I’ll be seeing you :)
Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, and Food:
All inspiration comes from The Dreaming, which is of course, myself. Therefore all art that is made or never made springs from my realm. How then could I select one from of many?
Though I do suppose I enjoy some of the work, both written and never to be written, of a dreamer whom I took great care to inspire called Neil Gaiman. Even if fully appreciating several of his more allusive works requires far too much time cross-referencing in Lucien’s Library.
The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit:
I…
You Should Message Me If:
Um yeah, It’s Death again. Morpheus needs a moment. He’s very in touch with him emotions, which is great if you’re looking for a really committed and deep relationship, don’t you think? So don’t let the downpour turn you off. He’s also got a castle!
Quite the catch is our Lord of Dreaming. Be warned, he’s not into long distance relationships, so if you’re not ready to move in he may just toss you in a cage in hell for just under 10,00o years…
What other characters are you dying to make a love connection with? We’ve already featured Thanos, Red Skull, and Ramsay Bolton.
SWM Seeks Fraulein for Good Time
91% Match | 9% Enemy
schmidt_skull1
103, Male, New York (ish)
My Self-Summary:
Ex-military agent, single father, passionate about politics, and seeking a lively fraulein with whom I can plot world domination & genocide. Oh, pardon me, my English is not too good. I meant submissive/dominant role-playing, and I love to enjoy a glass of apple cider.
I enjoy collecting WWII memorabilia, and ornate, powerful, cubes. Cubes are the square things that have powers, yes? I am not a cat person or a dog person, but I do own a small snake that I have named Hydra. He is quite sweet. Any spare time I have, I enjoy at the gym, keeping myself in perfect condition, and I also enjoy a challenging game of chess.
I’d prefer if you did not smoke. I quit some time ago, and the sight of cigarettes make me ill. Did you know they kill you!?
I also love to reinvent myself as the years go by, such as taking up painting, and reading up on new science.
What I’m Doing With My Life:
Currently, I am learning about the mutants, in an attempt to completely eradicate that population. Sorry, completely embrace the mutant people. This English is tricky!! I am also new to New York City, and am hoping some blonde, blue-eyed beauty would be kind enough to show me around.
I’m Really Good At:
Oh, I AIM very well, particularly with a gun in my hand that is pointed at Captain America ^_^
The First Things People Usually Notice About Me:
My natural ginger locks, and sensitive skin.
Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, and Food:
Ich lieben filme, particular those “sleepers” hits, like Birth of a Nation, or Coming to America, and Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark. The only thing I didn’t understand was why they would do Indiana Jones movies where he was the good guy. Those poor Nazis! They were only seeking to help their Fuhrer achieve world peace.
The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit:
I am a little touchy about the size of my feet. Germans are a small people.
You Should Message Me If:
You believe in a free world, and can point me in the direction of Steve Rogers.
——————–
This is the second in what we will be making into a series, so if there’s a villain you’d like done, request it in the comments!
Last year we listed some of our favorite fictional couples. This year, we’re turning the spotlight on some of our favorite fictional ladies who manage to ride solo (and one who does that literally. OH SNAP.), and still succeed. In order to qualify for this list, these ladies don’t necessarily have to remain single til their dying day, but they did need to remain independent, and getting their man could not be one of their main goals.
Hermione Granger
Perhaps it’s surprising that one half of my OTP is at the top of this list. But that’s exactly my point here–does Hermione really NEED a man to tell her what to do or how to do it? No. No she does not. And that’s the great part about being on this list, and being a modern lady. You can have a dude in your life but he shouldn’t be a crutch. He should just be a lovely red haired man who is particularly fond of pets and also whose parents are pretty much the best people on the planet. I’m digressing. The point here is that Hermione is smart, she’s resourceful, she knows how to make fire in a jar. Bam. Independent woman.
Runners up in the Harry Potter universe:
Luna Lovegood, who became a herione despite starting off as that crazy chick in the corner, and book!
Ginny Weasley, who is way cooler and more interesting than her wet-noodle movie counterpart.
Merida DunBroch
Merida is the best. When that movie ended and (spoiler alert) she was still chillin’ as a Princess with no Prince, it was like a breath of fresh air. Some people reacted by accusing her of being a lesbian. To which every feminist and most reasonable people on the planet responded, “And so what if she is?”. However, that’s not really the point. The point is, she can ride a gigantic horse, climb mountains without equipment, and quiet a castle mess hall full of rowdy drunk Scotsmen. Trust me–that is no easy feat. Merida doesn’t even care about all the guys trying for her hand, and what’s more, she points out that they shouldn’t be forced to love HER, either. That’s called equality.
Runner-up?
That goes to Queen Elinor DunBroch, who kicks ass in spite of her bumbling husband and defiant children. She’s a mom and a Queen and a fairly modern woman. For living in medieval Scotland, of course.
Leia Organa-Solo
Leia and Hermione have a lot in common in the man category, except that Han is just as independent on his own as Leia is on hers. Their courtship is nothing short of adorable, but Leia knows inter-planetary warfare isn’t the time to let her feelings get in the way of… inter-planetary warfare. Not to mention she essentially frees herself from Jabba and manages to kill him before taking off. Okay, so the first time we see her she’s in jail and the guys actually open her cell, but who has the best aim among them? Who gets the message to Obi-Wan in the first place? It’s Leia. Take the men out of the movie and she might have had a harder time getting out of these situations, but without jerks like her overbearing dad (sorry, Vader), maybe there wouldn’t have been the Star Wars to begin with.
On second thought, that would be a terrible idea. Let the men fuck things up so Leia can fix them.
Runners up all come from the Extended Universe:
Jaina Solo, Mara Jade, and Ahsoka Tano all squeak in behind Leia. That doesn’t mean they’re less heroic or independent. Ahsoka might still be a Padawan but she’s a heroine in her own right, and Jaina manages to save the entire universe from (surprise) her jerk of a brother. What is it with the Skywalkers and their descendants?
Ami Mizuno
While each of the sailor scouts kind of split the heroic action, they also split their time fairly equally between being heroic and drooling over boys. In the early seasons, it feels like Serena can’t do shit without fighting over Andrew, Darien, that Fish-eye guy, or (good looks, Usagi…) Amara. Ami, or Sailor Mercury, is the exception that proves the rule in this case. When she isn’t fighting evil by moonlight, she’s studying or helping Rini out with things, or just generally being a fine upstanding citizen. She’s like that friend who you a little bit hated because after they left your mom was always like, “Why can’t you be more like her?”. Not to mention, Ami is always way more on top of the whole fighting evil thing than probably any of the other scouts care to be. She takes everything very seriously. It’s like a pain in the ass to get her to come to the beach. Even in the summer. But all that focus pays off, and Ami frequently stays one step ahead of whatever suddenly anthropomorphic plant the girls wind up fighting.
Runner up in the Sailor Moon universe is Sailor Pluto.
She’s cool, and she doesn’t give a crap about Darien.
Donna Noble
BEFORE YOU GET UPSET – Yes I know that in her first episode her storyline revolves around getting and keeping a man. However. Compared to the rest of the Doctor’s companions, Donna is easily the most independent. She likes traveling with the Doctor because it makes her life more interesting, not because she feels bad for and eventually loves him, not because she’s in love with him from the get-go, and not because he promised her he’d be back when she was six and now she’s completely fixated on him. Donna is with the Doctor on her terms, and she gives him shit for being… the Doctor. I’d argue that most of the companions in new!Who are heroines in their own right, but they have at the very least romantically fond feelings towards the Doctor, and spend their time with him like some strange alien-human version of Hugh Hefner and every girlfriend he hasn’t married. They want to make him THEIR Doctor, but Donna just wants to hang out and be bros.
Runner up goes begrudgingly to Martha Jones.
Look, I don’t like her, but I get why people do. She’s in love with the Doctor and he’s a butthole to her, and she leaves. It takes her way longer than I would have liked to figure out he doesn’t feel the same way she does, but I guess she’s better than Clara, whose literal entire storyline revolves around saving the Doctor.
Bulma Briefs
If you’ve been with us since the beginning, you know we feel some kind of way about the women in Dragon Ball, Z, and GT, and this may be partially personal preference speaking, but Bulma is just the greatest. Again, she marries Vegeta, but I’m pretty sure that went something like, “OH OKAY WE’RE GETTING MARRIED TODAY HERE’S YOUR SUIT HERE’S MY DRESS ANNNND WE’RE DONE.” Bulma is ultra smart, and goes out on her own to find the Dragon Balls. Her independence has been hotly contested, but I remember Bulma, especially in Dragonball, as a strong woman who will pretty much take a sledge hammer to any man’s head if he disrespects her.
Runners up include Videl and Chi-Chi
Both of whom could beat the crap out of all of us, and without whom their husbands would have died early deaths from gluttony and stupidity. (Although I love them both very much.)
Elphaba Thropp
Elphaba is probably more commonly known to most of you as the Wicked Witch of the West. She’s the main character in the novel Wicked, and in the musical based on the novel. Elphaba’s gotten the shaft from every last man in her life, and from some of the women, too. That doesn’t stop her from honing her skills in magic, heading off to University, befriending people who only started chilling with her to make fun of her, and unmasking a major government cover-up. Elphaba wants to become the Wizard’s right-hand woman, but when she finds out what he’s really up to she risks her life to set things right. Even when she does get a man, she doesn’t let him change her direction or slow her down in her ultimate goal.
Runner up is, of course, Galinda the good. (No, I didn’t spell that wrong.)
Galinda is a little too focused on the men around her for my liking, and of course the whole point of Wicked is to reverse our expectations. But in the end it’s not about her relationships with men – not even the Wizard. The story is truly about how Elphaba and Galinda balance each other out and turn each other from caricatures into “real” people. Without one, the other wouldn’t be nearly as complex.
Sarabi from The Lion King
HAVE YOU SEEN THE LION KING? ALSO, DO LIONS HAVE LAST NAMES?
Sarabi. Gives. No. Fucks.
Runner up: Nala.
She tells Simba like it is and drags his ass back to pride rock.
Lara Croft
Again, if I need to back this one up, I don’t know where you’ve been living. Lara Croft is still one of the only female character in video games who has single-handedly headed up a massive franchise for the last 22 years. She’s gotta be smart and in good shape to do the kind of tomb raiding she’s been doing for decades, and you know you’ve made it when Angelina Jolie plays you in a film. Plus, she’s become more realistically proportioned as the years have passed. Go ahead. Name one man that Lara has had to lean on, for anything, ever. Okay?
That’s what I thought.
Princess Tiana
Tiana has one goal and one goal only: to open her own restaurant. She works hard to save up money to buy her restaurant. She makes lots of food because she wants to get better when she owns her own restaurant. She has the opportunity to cater a big party to get better exposure for her eventual restaurant. See the pattern here? Arguably, Naveen teaches her to love or something, but when they do get married, guess what he does? Goes to work in her restaurant. And guess who told her she needed other people in order to be happy with that restaurant? Mama Odie. Yeah. Tiana don’t need no man.
Runner up: Mulan.
Mulan came before Tiana, and she definitely busted through lady stereotypes and hated being all dolled up by the Matchmaker. However, she makes her sacrifice on behalf of her father, and takes part in the fighting… but doesn’t have her own “restaurant”.
Got any other super ultra badass babes you can think of? Let us know in the comments below!
It is possible that, today, you are single. It is possible that you are single and you are sick and tired of seeing hearts and flowers and naked babies with bows and arrows. It is possible that you are single and you are sick and tired of this holiday existing largely to sap people of money and convince you that you are a worthless lump of human flesh if you don’t have someone to love.
But folks, it could be worse.
You could be in love.
In very, very true, real love.
In something being written by Joss Whedon.
In case you need a reminder of that fact, here are some memorable moments that Joss Whedon provided to teach us that love is doomed and the world is awful.
BUFFY AND ANGEL
Buffy herself put it all into perspective in the series finale when she poses this question to her vampire ex-boyfriend: “What was the highlight of our relationship? When you broke up with me or when I killed you?”
It was the human girl/vampire boy trope BEFORE it became all cool and mainstream and “he’s not abusive he’s just protective and YOU JUST HATE TRUE LOVE!” And in this case, things did not work out so well. A short list of things that doomed their romance:
- Buffy is a Slayer, Angel is a vampire or “slayee”
- Angel once lost his soul and tried to kill Buffy and end the world
- Buffy sent Angel to hell to save the world
- Angel broke up with Buffy “for her own good”
- Buffy couldn’t deal with Angel being jealous of her new guy, Riley Finn, who didn’t deserve her anyway
- Buffy: The Vampire Slayer moved to UPN while Angel: The Series stayed on The WB so GOODBYE CROSSOVERS.
- Comic spoiler: after Buffy and Angel fucked to create a new world, Angel got possessed by that world (I think) and killed Giles. I mean, the Giles killing is the important part, please don’t ask me to explain the rest of the end of the Season 8 comics, please. I can’t.
The bright side: Buffy got to give her awesome “cookie dough” explanation in the final episode of Buffy, which I think we need to re-enforce these days.
ZOE AND WASH
The most adorable married couple in the ‘verse, Zoe and Hoban Washburne traveled as part ofthe crew of the Serenity. She was a veteran soldier with great aim, he was a spaceship pilot who played with plastic dinosaurs, together they fought crime. Or committed crime. Whatever was called for that day.
They were happily married! When offered the choice between saving her husband and her captain, Zoe without hesitation saved Wash! Wash gushed about being married to a warrior woman! And the other million things throughout that once season of Firefly that made them awesome.
And then Joss Whedon killed Wash off in Serenity. Mid-sentence. He was a leaf on the wind, watch HOW HE DIES.
TOPHER AND BENNETT
Hey, guess what science nerds? You’re almost going to get together!
And then one of you gets shot in the head!
WHEDON’D!
KITTY PRYDE AND PIOTR RASPUTIN
Joss Whedon trolled the comics world when he took over writing duties for Astonishing X-Men. He led people on to think he was resurrecting the recently killed-off-yes-AGAIN Jean Grey. Instead, he brought back Colossus, who quickly rekindled his romance with Kitty Pryde. And I mean, seriously rekindled in the “Kitty phases through the bed and floor naked at one point” sense.
(EDIT: I have seen at least one request for a link to the panels depicting this phasing incident. Here you go.)
Wait, what’s THIS? Joss Whedon bringing someone back from the dead to put them INTO a relationship? Too good to be true?
Uh-huh.
Because in his final story arc, Unstoppable, Joss Whedon wrote Kitty Pryde saving the Earth by using her powers to phase a giant alien bullet right through the planet. And because of the properties of the alien metal, Kitty ended up fusing herself into the interior of the bullet.
Oh, she’s not technically dead, but she’s FUSED INSIDE AN ALIEN BULLET THAT CANNOT BE STOPPED.
So, remember: sometimes being single isn’t such a bad thing. Sometimes, being single can SAVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE.
The candle-lit dinner just got geekier.
With Valentine’s Day dangerously close, here’s a way to set the mood with these paper lanterns.
What You Need:
Black poster board
Vellum (find it in stationary or craft stores) or regular printer paper.
Frame template (included at bottom of page)
Craft glue and regular clear tape
Before you get started, scour the web or your comic collection for “romantic” comic book covers, artwork or even those cheesy retro valentines. Make sure these images are the sizes you need, then copy and print them out on the vellum or printer paper.
Ready? Good!
Here’s three versions to try: a fairly easy lantern using a template, a less-structure and quicker tube-style votive and an incredibly quick “Oh crap, I didn’t expect her to say ‘yes’ and she’s headed here in 20 minutes” version.
Template Version
Use template provided (or make one yourself if you think this is dorky), and trace four of them right next to each other on the poster board. Next, cut the pattern out, using an X-Acto or other hobby knife for to cut out the center squares and triangle.
Once you have the framework, cut the printed out images out a little bigger around than the openings and glue them on the back (make sure you face the image away from you so it doesn’t show up backward when you assemble the lantern.
Finally, gently fold the lantern where the four traced sides meet and tape the open edge together (on the inside if you don’t want a big tape strip to show). Then push the top “triangle” pieces together and tape as well. If you don’t want to mess with the top, you can just avoid tracing it and still have a nice four-sided lantern. Set it gently over an artificial tea light. If you want to use real votive candle, make sure it one in glass holder (even a cheesy air freshener candle will work), to best avoid any spontaneous tabletop bonfires.
“Free Form” Version:
Cut the poster board in rectangular pieces of different heights and use the hobby knife to cut random squares, rectangle or other shapes staggered throughout. Paste the printed images on the back in the same manner described earlier and then tape the two ends of the rectangle together to form a cylinder.
Still not easy — or fast — enough? Here’s the last minute lazy method that still turns out looking pretty neat.
Print out full, horizontal images on regular printer paper (comic splash page images works well, because they are usually pretty colorful and detailed). Cut them out to the desired height paste the ends together in a cylinder. That’s it!
Now arrange a few of these together in the center of a table of over a mantle and you’re not only classy, but also charmingly clever and creative. And who doesn’t find that irresistible?
Party tip: If you have a string of white Christmas lights, tape one of the quick versions over each of the lights for some retro party patio lights (I’ve done this with vintage Haunted Mansion concept art at Halloween and they were a hit).
Bonus tip: Don’t want to get romantic? Try these with any random comic cover or page and they make great accents anytime of year, but really, do I need to tell you this?
There you have it, instant ambiance.
Now quick…order something Italian…yes, pizza is fine, too.